. . . and Life Goes On (ArmyMomTimesThree)

Couldn't Be Happier

2009-01-19T21:59:00.002-05:00

Don't care who you are or what you believe about politics --- I'm excited. Tomorrow America will have a black President. I could not be happier. That's all I've got to say.

2008-12-29T18:12:00.003-05:00

What a difference a year makes! This time last year our youngest son had gone back to the Wounded Warrior Transition Unit at Ft. Lewis to stay for 11 more months before coming HOME. Now he's a bouncer at an Ybor City nightclub. Our Cpt. had just returned from Iraq; I had just spoken at a West Point grad's funeral (the experience of which still haunts me).

These days I can't even listen to the songs that were popular this time last year.

But we're expecting our first grandson any day now -- he's due in four days!

Our two Army Captains and our medically discharged Specialists are out on my brother's boat while I'm sitting on the couch drinking too much chardonnay --- it's the only thing that keeps me from coughing. Chardonnay and honey. Yesterday they all went the Buc's game but I had to work. It doesn't matter to me -- as long as I know my family members are having a good time.

The photo is our dog Eva surfing the net. She is 1/2 Weimaraner and 1/2 Vizsla. Our Captains brought their Weimaraner with them and he's out on the back porch with Eva. My little Meike is inside with me. She's keeping me company in my drunken stupor to get through this flu bug and loneliness.

The sun has gone down so the boaters should be back soon. They'll be upset with me for being this wasted. But I tried to sleep --- spraying my throat every few minutes with Chloraseptic --- but I still couldn't sleep.

BTW, I'm working at a book store. It is very different from the computer programming I did for so many years but I love it. As soon as I walk out the door I can leave the work behind. And when our daughter goes back to work I can keep my grandson and then go in to work late in the afternoon. Life is good.

Thank YOU!

2008-10-01T23:41:00.003-04:00

Thank you all for your support of my family during the deployments of our three soldiers! Without all of you "being there," this would have been a much harder journey to endure.

Both of my boys returned from their experiences much humbler men: stronger physically, softer emotionally. They see life differently now than they did before they "saw life lived differently." Austin taught himself to play the guitar while he was in transition. This evening we sat together while he played for me. He's really quite good. Kris and Katie ride their bikes to school, they host tailgate parties before K-State games, no more uniforms.

Soon we'll have another member of our family. And with the birth of our first grandchild comes a whole new set of fears. I think, though, that living through five deployments and having come through in the best of circumstances has taught me a lot about worry. How much more could I have enjoyed life over the past seven years if I had chosen not to worry. How much better a supporter of our soldiers could I have been if I had not been incapacitated with fear? Can a mother chose not to worry in such circumstances? Maybe. Maybe not.

Smiling again is fun! To really, really feel free to laugh and be happy is great. No more black clouds following me around. Yeah! Life is definitely good!

AUSTIN IS HOME!!!!

2008-09-26T13:59:00.001-04:00

"Our" time in the war has come to a close! Austin is home. He is being medically discharged in a few weeks and was finally able to come home after spending 11 months in Warrior Transition. What a wonderful relief for all of us! I can't put into words how the closing of this chapter feels.

Kris & Katie are in grad school where they want to be and now Austin is home where he wants to be. He's living with Kylee and Cal (and soon the baby). They are building him a room in their garage. After sleeping on the ground in 130 degree heat in Baghdad a room in your sister's garage sounds plush!

Austin surprised me Wednesday evening. He wouldn't tell us when he was going to be able to come home. I knew it would be soon and that at some time, some where he was going to be there. I was having dinner at church and he walked up behind me and said "Hi Mom". What a GREAT surprise! Then I went to Kylee's house and was standing in the baby's room with her when Austin walks in. She did the "double take" then started screaming, jumping up and down and crying. It was priceless.

I took Austin to the VA yesterday and today he and Kylee came over for a few hours. What precious time. He looks so good --- like a bodybuilder. And he's happy and smiling and glad to be home.

It's A Boy!!!

2008-07-22T07:34:00.002-04:00

We're going to have a GrandSON!!!

Ten of us went with Kylee and Cal to Ultrababies Saturday (7/19) for a 20-minute peek-a-boo at "our" little guy. He yawned, stretched and kicked up a storm for the show. What a great experience to share and memory to treasure.

We had already picked out nursery fabrics, paint, etc. for a boy. Guess we just knew. The Mommy and Daddy know what our grandson's name is going to be but they won't tell. I suppose they want to have a surprise for us when he makes his appearance.

Ultrababies is a very chic "store" where the product they sell is ultrasounds. Expectant mommies can go whenever they want --- bring family and friends. We were in a small home theatre-type room with the biggest comfy seating. They served soft drinks, candy, even popcorn (all included in the very reasonable price of $85). Ultrababies has a mobile unit they will take to homes for baby showers. WOW, have things changed!

I have resigned my position as one of two Blue to Gold Liaisons for Florida. It's time to move on for me and mine. We'll always do what we can for the soldiers and their families. Just not the saddest things. Another Blue Star Mother has stepped in --- she lost her brother in Iraq and this will be a very important mission for her as well.

2008-07-05T19:49:00.002-04:00

Found on CommonTies.com

2008-07-03T10:32:00.005-04:00

Where will you have YOUR 4th of July picnic? WE are FREE to celebrate -- remember those who paid the price.

The family of Army Sgt. First Class Shawn C. Dostie visit his grave at Arlington (Google image).

Back To Work!

2008-06-27T09:17:00.003-04:00

Just a short post --- I start my new job Monday! This one feels like the right one (but, hey, I've been wrong before). Crystal Reports Analyst in an IT rather than Marketing setting (less BS). I'm excited about this particular opportunity and I need to get back to work before I forget how to use a computer for something other than blogging, shopping and e-mail.

So I'm off to lunch with a few former co-workers (I will be working 20 minutes to the West now, rather than 20 minutes to the East so I won't be able to see them very often). BTW, the new HR mgr (where I used to work) lasted three days!!! hahahahahahahahahahaha

MY MEN!

2008-06-19T09:14:00.007-04:00

My "men" having smokes in Ybor City. Notice Kris pinching T.O.M. (The Old Man)'s ear. Not a lot of hair among the three of them -- but sooo much HEART!

This morning I woke up just feeling so proud of my family. Maybe it's because I'm finally winding down from all the events of the last few years. My sons REALLY are out of danger, my daughter is thrilled being pregnant, I'm thrilled that I'm going to be a granny, I love not working.

I'm leaving in a few minutes to drive down south to visit my friend Ann and her gaggle of children for few days. One reason for the trip is to return the car to her that she GAVE to us last year after Steve was laid off and lost his company car. It's an Isuzu Rodeo that gets great gas mileage. She's going to use it to do her running around in rather than her huge Expedition. It feels really good to be able to give it back.

I'm giddy with "happy" and I'm having the time of my life right now! (Thanks T.O.M.)

This Old House --- My Old Body

2008-06-18T11:28:00.008-04:00

As I've mentioned before, our house was built in 1922; I was built in 1955. Oh my aching body. I've been down on my hands and knees painting the plank floor boards in our bedroom --- and this is just the primer. When we pulled up the avocado green, sculpted carpet from the 60s the floors were not in good enough condition to refinish. But they are going to look amazing painted.

Monday and Tuesday I helped my sister-in-law start organizing her home office --- this will take much longer than painting my floor. She has two businesses and years and years of paperwork in boxes and boxes. It must have been the time I spent sitting on her floor that messed up my neck and shoulders. Today it's hard to even move. Now the floor painting is going to put me back to bed! OR IT MIGHT HAVE BEEN FROM PLAYING "Mysteries of London" on my laptop for hours last night!

For anyone who read my post on the tornadoes, K&K have decided to sell their house now instead of next year as they had planned. So many homes were destroyed in Chapman, but theirs was untouched. Hopefully a family who lost their home will be able to move in to K&Ks in a short time. K&K will move to Manhattan where they attend grad school at Kansas State. The bonus is they'll save a lot of money on gas driving between school and home.

This photo shows a house in Chapman that is missing its front but the lace is still in place on the mantle.

I choose my former boss!

2008-06-13T10:10:00.002-04:00

2008-06-12T23:16:00.016-04:00

My oldest son and his wife live in Chapman, Kansas (about 20 miles from Ft. Riley). A tornado did major damages to their tiny little town last night. K&K live a little bit outside of town; their home was not damaged and they are both fine. They spent today in Manhattan, Kansas helping friends clean up from tornado damage in that town. Kansas State University where K&K attend grad school sustained (according to one news source) $20 million in damage. The photo on the right shows some of the damage in Chapman. Thehe aerial footage available online shows that most of Chapman looks like this.

The much sadder news, of course, is the four Boy Scouts who were killed by a tornado in Iowa. Good kids doing good things and they were killed.

___________________________________________________________________
REMEMBER WHEN I QUIT MY JOB?

It has been verified --- I am NOT a whiny "quitter". The State of Florida has determined that:

"THE QUITTING WAS WITH GOOD CAUSE ATTRIBUTABLE TO THE EMPLOYER." The "Notice of Determination" was in today's mail and my first three weeks' of unemployment were already in my bank account!

___________________________________________________________________

Randomness:

Advice I used that I found on the internet:

Peanut butter really will remove the sticky stuff left after a label is soaked off a bottle. You need to leave the PB on for a few minutes or so then scrub it off.
Cleaning the lint screen on your dryer WILL apparently extend the life cycle of the appliance. I read somewhere that if you run water over the lint screen, it kind of puddles and doesn't go through, supposedly as the result of using dryer sheets. Put a little soap and water on the screen, scrub lightly with a brush and that's it. I'll have to get another dryer and wait a few years to see if it actually makes it last longer. But I'll have to keep using the one I have until it breaks and let the new dryer catch up, or something like that.

Wanted: an old, small water tower just like the one in the photo on the right. I'm really into historic things and have lately become fascinated with water towers. I've also developed an interest in typography (illustrated in the dual-purpose image on the left -- it's a "wanted poster" AND an example of typography; are ya with me?)

But for some it does not . . .

2008-06-10T10:46:00.015-04:00

Florida lost three American Heroes this week:

Pfc. Andre D. McNair, Jr., 20, Ft. Pierce, Florida, was killed in an accidental helicopter crash in Afghanistan on June 5, 2008.

Army Pfc. Andre McNair Jr.’s dream of being a pilot fell from the sky [and] ended last week in a helicopter crash at the Kandahar Army Airfield in Afghanistan.
“He really wanted that pilot’s license,” his father, Andre McNair of Fort Pierce, said Monday afternoon. “He really wanted to fly.”

McNair Jr.’s mother, Pam McNair, said her son was “looking to make a career out of the military. He was going to re-enlist so that he could become a pilot.”

PLEASE READ THE REST OF THE ARTICLE here.

Spc. Quincy J. Green, 26, died in Iraq on June 2, 2008. "Spc. Green graduated from Orange Park High School where one of his favorite classes was NJROTC. While at OPHS he was also the football team’s mascot, 'Raider Man'. While in Iraq Quincy was a Chaplain's Assistant. Quincy was looking forward to coming home to be able to spend time with is 2 year old and 8 month old daughters."

This photo of Spc. Green with his daughter is so beautiful and yet so sad. If you study their two faces, their resemblance is amazing. I'm sure he was a proud Daddy.

Ssg. Enoch "Blake" Adams, Brooksville, Florida, died at Ft. Polk, Louisiana on June 2, 2008. Staff Sgt. Adams was a physician's assistant student at Ft. Polk's Bayne-Jones Army Community Hospital. The following information was provided to me by Ssg. Adams' father James Adams.

Enoch “Blake” Adams
Staff Sergeant U. S. Army
October 30, 1969 – June 2, 2008

Enoch “Blake” Adams was born in Naples, FL, and came to Hernando County in 1973. Blake attended Hernando schools through the 9th grade and graduated high school from Melbourne Air Force Academy. He was a graduate of Stetson University (1991) and the Texas Chiropractic College (1994). While in Brooksville he was a member of the former West Jefferson Baptist Church. He enlisted in the United States Army in October 1998.

In his early military career, he served at Fort Hood, Texas as a M1A2 Abrams tank loader and unit armorer; and was deployed to Bosnia with the A/1-12th Calvary. He also served with Headquarters, Headquarters Command, 2nd Infantry Division at Camp Casey, South Korea. When he returned from Korea, he was assigned to B/3-66th Armor, 4th Infantry Division at Ft Hood. While assigned to the 4th ID, he deployed to Camp Lancer, Iraq.

After completing his assignment with the 4th ID, he was selected to serve as an Army Recruiter and was stationed with the Riverside Company, Southern California Battalion from 2004 – 2006. Blake applied for and was accepted to the Physician Assistant Program. From August 2006 - October 2007, he completed his academic studies at Fort Sam Houston, Texas’ Interservice Physician Assistant Program, class 3-06. In October 2007 he was assigned to Bayne-Jones Army Community Hospital for the clinical phase of the PA Program.

Blake’s awards and decorations include Army Commendation Medal with one oak leaf cluster; Army Achievement Medal with one oak leaf cluster; Good Conduct Medal third award; NCO Professional Development Ribbon; Armed Forces Expeditionary Medal; Global War on Terrorism Expeditionary Medal; Global War on Terrorism Service Medal; Overseas Service Ribbon; Army Service Ribbon; National Defense Service Medal; Korean Defense Service Medal; and the NATO Medal.

Survivors include his wife: Lori Scott-Copeland Adams of Bradenton, FL; father: James F. Adams of Brooksville; brother: Warren James Adams of Jacksonville; FL; and, step mother Barbara Gawor Adams of Brooksville.

On behalf of the Blue Star Mothers, I will present Gold Star Banners to the family of Ssg. Adams. His funeral service will be held Saturday, June 14, 2008, 1:30 p.m. at the First United Methodist Church, Brooksville, Florida.

Pfc. McNair's funeral will be held Saturday, June 14, 2008 from 11:00 a.m. to 1:00 p.m. in Ft. Pierce. The Casualty Assistance Officer for the McNair family has graciously offered to present the Gold Star Banners to this family on behalf of the Blue Star Mothers.

Judy Edwards, the Jacksonville BSM Chapter President, will present Gold Star Banners to the family of Spc. Green at his funeral in Jacksonville on Friday, June 13, 2008.

The Power of Proud American People

2008-06-06T09:12:00.006-04:00

"Granite Grok's Dope of the Week Award"

Claude Roessiger, an executive of Pak 2000, sued the town of Wolfeboro, NH this week over the public display of American Flags on town-owned property. He has since dismissed the lawsuit but is still experiencing the wrath of many proud Americans. Note the 'disclaimer' by the company on its website. My suggestion was that Mr. Roessiger apologize [while standing in front of the local VFW] holding a huge American Flag --- a perfect pie in the face opportunity (and make it a good ol' American Apple Pie).

Here is the original posting on Granit eGrok.com.

This was brought to my attention by another Blue Star Mom. She is part of the infamous group recently referred to in the press as "Moms of Fury" -- mothers who are proud to STAND UP and STAND OUT for America and our military.

My New Ride!

2008-05-30T21:04:00.003-04:00

OK, OK -- I know I don't have a job! But I do have a new car to drive when I get one!!! Actually it's 'new to me' (a/k/a used) and I love it!

We bought the car from a really sweet family who live 70 or so miles away. They were delightful to work with on the sale and we enjoyed meeting them when we picked it up. This was certainly a much better experience than buying through a dealership. I really enjoy meeting nice people.

I'm still trying to find my "purpose". Being creative, especially sewing, would be great. Today I remade an old shower curtain into a window curtain for the bathroom. There's a lot of stuff online about "redux" -- re-purposing discarded or outdated things into new stuff (a/k/a recycling). I have another old shower curtain of really soft waffle weave cotton. It'll make a great throw for my Kylee's sofa. I'm going to start taking before and after photos for online tutorials on my new (so far imaginary) craft blog.

We've All Got To Have A Little Fun (rated-R)

2008-05-20T10:21:00.001-04:00

This is Patriotic in a different kind of way. LOL!

SquareSpace

2008-05-16T22:43:00.003-04:00

Looks like I'm going to start a website on SquareSpace.

MOVIE -- Lions for Lambs

2008-05-16T21:36:00.003-04:00

I just watched Lions for Lambs "On Demand" -- I had never heard of this movie until my husband rented it tonight. I'd have thought such a well done and timely film would have been the topic of conversations and blog posts. Or maybe I just haven't been paying attention.

When the movie started I tried to ignore it (busy "Stumbling" online). It grabbed me when soldiers were being killed. Usually I leave the room when that happens (ostrich syndrome); but I could see there was a meaningful story being told.

Here's the synopsis from imdb.com. The recommendations "If you enjoyed this title, our database also recommends: X-Men, Spider Man, Transformers" ??? Huh?

Anyway, it's a good movie.

2008-05-08T10:20:00.006-04:00

Please view this "trailer" for the upcoming video "Warriors. . .in their own words". Be prepared to weep.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Sgt. Marcus C. Mathes, KIA Iraq (also served in Afghanistan), April 28, 2008, laid to rest Florida National Cemetery, Bushnell, Florida, May 7, 2008.

Yesterday I attended Sgt. Mathes' funeral in Dade City, Florida. In a private meeting with the family, the Brigadier General sent from Ft. Drum and the Lt. Col. serving as CAO for Julia Mathes, Sgt. Mathes' widow, presented the Purple Heart to Julia and flags in engraved boxes to his parents. I made the Blue Star presentation to Sgt. Mathes' mother, father and to Julia.

The Patriot Guard riders stood proud as they always do --- what a great group of people. I'm getting to know them better at each funeral though I wish I would never see them again. Billboy offered me the back seat of his motorcycle again but this time I didn't "seize the day." As soon as the procession started I wished that I had. Next time I will. I wish there would never be a next time.

Sgt. Mathes' mother invited me to attend a Celebration of Life event for her son next Saturday. I told her that I would be there and I will. She was very composed throughout the services, as most parents are. Being a mother for 20+ years teaches us that life isn't fair, that we can't change things like this, that we must be strong; we grieve alone. The young widows are always racked with sobbing and I know they are thinking, "Why, why, why." When my father died when I was 34 it felt that if I could just cry hard enough, long enough, exhaust myself with grief, that he would come back. When my mother died four years later I knew no amount of tears would ease my pain or produce a miracle.

Sgt. Mathes' father and I talked about "getting it" --- how people outside the military community just don't "get it." They don't understand why these men and women willingly sacrifice their own lives so that others can live free. Mr. Mathes and I "get it" --- because we know soldiers, we know heroes. In his last e-mail, Sgt. Mathes wrote: "I am having a blast over here." It was the same with my boys. They loved what they were doing and were proud to do it. I was fortunate to have both of my sons safely return to the USA. Not so for too many families.

In Warriors, one of the soldiers says, "because I can." That's why I will continue to attend every soldier's funeral -- because I can.

Life In The Slow Lane

2008-04-28T17:59:00.004-04:00

I LOVE NOT WORKING! I know I can't get too comfortable staying home, but for a few weeks I'm going to revel in it! Oops...is it okay to hit the wine at 6 pm on a weekday? Yep, I think it is.

My resume is almost ready to start posting. There is a job exactly suited to me on Monster. That's where I got the last job. I did learn a lot at the "mean people place" so it wasn't an entirely bad experience. Hopefully I still have a few of the friends I made there. No more humiliation, though. Every job I've ever had has ended up with some kind of bad feeling. It must be me because I'm the only common denominator. I'm learning. Old dog -- old tricks. I blame my mother.

Every time a DOD announcement comes through my e-mail I cringe. Sometimes I want to walk away from this responsibility. But if I do then someone else has to take it on. It is very depressing for a depressed person to constantly be dealing with death. Especially the death of other military parents' children. "There but for the grace of God . . ." But what saved mine?Speaking of "mine," here's The Photo (preggie is in the middle, obviously). Isn't it funny? That's Kris by the groom, looking like he has a gigantic headache, and Austin, far right. Kris is 6', my husband is 6'2", so you can imagine how HUGE Austin is. He works out constantly now that he is in the Wounded Troops Program. If only they'd just let him COME HOME! That's when I will really feel relieved -- when Austin is home in Our Town!

Grandmother stuff: she had her first dr. apptmt. today and the little one is due Jan 2, 2009. We will hope for a 2008 tax deduction, but have so many "Christmas" birthdays already. So far the concept of a baby coming our way is too surreal. I think that and having abruptly quit my job has my head spinning. Or is it the wine?

"Take This Job And Shove It"

2008-04-24T17:33:00.003-04:00

I wish I'd thought to say "take this job and shove it" yesterday at work when I finally had "ENOUGH", packed my stuff and went home. Mean people suck but I don't have to work for them.

More importantly, I'm going to be a GRANDMOTHER!!!! Our daughter who got married in Jan. is expecting a baby in Jan. 09!!!!

THE WAR

SADLY there have been six soldiers from Florida killed in Iraq since April 1, the date I took over the duties of arranging Gold Star Banner presentations on behalf of the Florida Blue Star Mothers. Since I was unable to attend any of the funerals other wonderful people made the presentations.

Mamaw

2008-03-25T19:03:00.003-04:00

Today my mother-in-law was buried next to her "only love" --- my husband's father, who died 32 years ago. "Mamaw" had left specific instructions about her funeral service which were followed to the letter. The service was very simple yet very beautiful. I've never sang Amazing Grace with so much "feeling" before. Not having been blessed with a singing voice, I usually sing very softly -- for the benefit of those around me -- but not today.

My mother-in-law had "suffered" from Alzheimer's disease for five to six years. She'd been a very independent woman until her first symptoms appeared. But what she really suffered from was her family; her own children and grand children. Most families who have had a loved one with Alzheimer's know that most of the suffering is done by the family; the Alzheimer's "sufferer" is usually in a "happy place."

My mother-in-law was a dear, sweet woman. Her faith in God never wavered. She would do anything for anybody in the name of God. In our small town she was known as "that sweet Midge Ross."

We, her family, did not always serve her well. Without bringing skeletons out of the closed, I will say that my mother-in-law was not blessed with "good" children. Her daughter abused her emotionally and financially until the day of her death (March 20, 2008); her son, my husband, put her through "hell" during his addictive years --- before we met. Perhaps worst of all, I abused her by disassociating myself and my family from her daughter's family because of my own set of ideals and standards; my "code of honor," if you will.

When my two sons were in Iraq at the same time in 07, it occurred to me that perhaps it was that "code", those very ideals and standards, my unsuppressable need for justice passed on to my children, that put them in to harm's way. I have always had such a strong sense of right versus wrong, good versus evil; my life has been (figurative, never literally) black or white with NO shades of gray. That's not to say that I have lived any where near a perfect life--- very far from it.

Inherited from my father is my need to give. If I see someone in need, I will stop and try to help them (which really makes my husband angry). If I learn of a financial hardship, I will do what I can to provide resources. On a trip years ago to New York City, I saw a homeless man across the street and tried so hard to give him the 1/2 of my turkey sandwich I had in a to-go box from the "All Star Sports Cafe" on Times Square (his homeless/my extravagance). He didn't want my sandwich. When the family and friends who were with me saw what I was doing they ran across the street to "save me." I just wanted to save the homeless man. Or at least ease his hunger pains.

In my opinion, no one should ever hold themselves up as "better than" anyone else based on their financial status, job, material possessions, the automobile they drive. NO ONE is any better than anyone else -- Period.

Maintaining these standards and ideals has not always served me well. I have burned many bridges because people have violated "my" code. My husband's sister and her family not only violated "my" code, but society's "rules" of decent behavior.

In my mind they became people with whom who I could not allow myself or my (albeit "grown") children to associate (though they make their own decisions). We tried over the years to be examples for this family, we provided financial assistance to them, we "mentored" them, we tolerated as much as we could. We reached a point where "enough was enough."

Yet, I myself violated my own "code" by not spending holidays with my mother-in-laws' family; thus causing her heartache. All she asked of us in the last few years was "to just get along." But too much had been said, done, allowed to happen. Was it worth it for me and mine to stand firm if the result was to deny a sweet old woman a few hours of pleasure with all of her family by her side a few times a year. Probably not. Definitely not. I stand ashamed.

Sad Times

2008-03-18T18:44:00.002-04:00

You all will remember Kayli, Austin's girlfriend before, during and for a short while after his deployment. She's such a sweetie and I felt so bad they didn't stay together. She and I are still in touch and I'm sorry to tell you that Kayli lost her father yesterday.

We had been IM'ing on Sunday and she knew it "wouldn't be long," but he went very quickly early Monday morning. Kayli is relieved that her Dad is no longer suffering and assures me that she and her sister have lots of family and friends to help them out with whatever they need. Kayli was definitely "Daddy's girl." She spent three years attending college in Kansas on a basketball scholarship but went home when her father became ill. He had gotten better and she went back to school Fall 07, only to have to return home at the start of her last semester. She's diligently finishing her classes by e-mail and will graduate in May.

My heart is breaking for her. We talked on the phone yesterday afternoon and for a 22 year old who just lost her father she is handling it remarkably well. She'll still need lots of comfort and strength as she gets accustomed to live without her Dad.

PPDDS

2008-03-03T14:35:00.003-05:00

Parental Post Deployment Distress Syndrome

Today was Parade Day in our town. I took the day off to watch the parade with friends I've watched it with for many, many years. Our church youth group always sells "chairs", snacks and drinks in this particular spot to earn money for their summer trips. So many past Parade Days me and my kids were the "workers", though usually one or the other of them were in the parade. It was a bit sad to walk down there by myself, without them.

But worse was when the High School ROTC marched by. As soon as I saw them come in to view I turned my back and said to the two friends I was talking to, "this is going to make me cry." Cry was too mild a word to describe what happened to me. I did cry, heavingly so, and I trembled and became lightheaded. These two friends patted me on the back and said soothing things and it (and the ROTC) passed in just a few minutes.

It is hard to say exactly what about seeing those young people in their Army ROTC uniforms set off this "event." Was it a reminder of the years that Kris and Austin were in the ROTC and that I miss them so much? Was it the reality that some of those cadets would soon be joining the "real" Army and going off to war? Was it just a reminder of the military that got too close to me? Or a longing for my life when all of my children were home and I was Mom?

Most likely it was a combination of all of these and possibly more. "Parental Post Deployment Distress Syndrome" is what it felt like. Not to diminish the very serious PTSD suffered by those who have served in Iraq and Afghanistan, but I believe that I, and many mothers who have lived through one or more deployments, also experience residual suffering.

In total, as a mother and a mother-in-law, I have "survived" five deployments; the last with both of my sons in Iraq at the same time. Mothers cannot endure such emotional distress during the deployment(s) and have it just vanish when our children are back safe in the US. We just can't do it. Yes, the fear of impending tragedy goes away as soon as they return. But the experience of living in complete fear for so long leaves emotional scars on all of us.

No News Is Still Good News

2008-02-27T18:36:00.002-05:00

Since I haven't posted in an entire month, you know there have been no soldiers' funerals in Florida. Unfortunately there were three lost who were from Florida but their services were held elsewhere.

Sorry to drop the blog, but it has become an uncomfortable place to "return to."

A Bitter-Sweet Day

2008-01-27T11:53:00.000-05:00

Post Script: I'm dressed now and ready to go, let's get in the car, I know you can all fit in the passenger seat. Please go read this amazing poem written by my friend Jan Zabel (she's British but I love her anyway). http://bearcreekledger.com/2007/11/15/from-a-blue-star-to-gold-star-mom/

Kylee and Cal will be home soon from their honeymoon. My husband just left to pick them up at the airport. Hopefully they'll want to open their presents here with us before going to their house. I've really missed them this long week. I always turn to Kylee when I need anything -- encouragement, hugs, smile, fun, love, help. . . all week I've "turned to her" but she's not been there. She's been having a fantastic time cruising the Eastern Caribbean all week with her husband. (Now that sounds weird --- "husband").

So we'll have fun and laughs with them for a while and then I'm off to yet another soldier's funeral.

I'm typing this post "as I go." I'm printing information to include in the condolence packages for the family of Fallen Hero Army Specialist Richard B. Burress.

NAPLES, Fla. — A 25-year-old soldier whose family said he joined the army to add “focus and direction” to his life was killed in Iraq after his vehicle was struck by an explosive, officials said Jan. 21.
Spc. Richard B. Burress, of Naples, died Jan. 19 in Al Jabour, Iraq, the Department of Defense said.
Family members said Burress enjoyed the “simple things” in life — fishing, canoeing and spending time with loved ones, including his daughter, Alyssa.
“His easygoing manner and natural warmth instantly endeared [him] to all who met him,” his family said in a statement.
Burress was “a reluctant hero,” his family said, who “didn’t want to be recognized for his service and was deeply touched by the many thanks he received from strangers.”
Burress was assigned to the 1st Battalion, 30th Infantry Regiment, 2nd Brigade Combat Team, 3rd Infantry Division, out of Fort Stewart, Ga. (from the Associated Press article).

I can only attend the visitation with this grieving family since my employer does not approve of me taking time off to attend the funerals -- Spc. Burress' funeral is tomorrow, a Monday, a no-no to my employer. I don't get it. From my personal experience with loss, the visitation is easier to get through for the family while the final goodbyes of the burial are almost an incomprehensible blurr. I still would like to be there. Not long ago I stood about 20 feet from a mother who was "supported" by a Brigadier General and a Major --- they let her fall to the ground. Now I stand closer.

Never having studied poetry but having heard the Robert Frost line "I have miles to go before a sleep," I've 325 miles to drive, tears to shed, words to be read, condolences to spread, before I go to bed; yet safely I will return to mine and you to yours, their dear son, well, he . . . enough said. So ride with me and take whatever comfort we can to this grieving family.

They send another son off to Iraq in a few weeks.

2008-01-24T19:16:00.000-05:00

Well, we had a wedding!

One that anyone in attendance will likely never forget! This post is worth reading, so keep going.

My best friend Ann and three of her daughters came up from South Florida to spend the weekend with me and worked so hard to make everything perfect. Kylee's mother-in-law went beyond what is expected of the mother of the groom. She and HER mother made all the bouquets, the boutonnières, pew bows, table clothes -- she even made her son's vest. My sister-in-law and a friend were at my house to help Kylee and all the girls get pretty. The photographers came over and took photos of the various stages of readiness.

When we left the house I kept saying "I don't want it to be over." All the months of preparation and anticipation culminate in one precious evening. I wanted the emotion I was feeling to last longer than that.

We all got to the church on time! When most of the guests were seated we played "What A Wonderful World" (recorded by Louis Armstrong) to let everyone know the wedding was about to begin. The grandmothers and mothers were seated to "Over the Rainbow" (recorded by Ray Charles and Johnny Mathis). Then our friend Lori sang "In My Daughter's Eyes" which has been Kylee and my "mother/daughter" song for years. Kylee made me a garden stepping stone imprinted with "In My Mother's Eyes."

The bridal party came in as couples to "Your Guardian Angel" then the guys went to the right, girls to the left, and the most precious flower girl ever spinkled petals down the aisle. Kylee's brother Kris "gave her away", walking down the aisle to "Smother Me". Kris tried so hard not to cry but he was obviously very emotional.

Kylee has a great relationship with our pastor and he knew just how to keep her as calm as possible. Kylee and Cal exchanged vows and rings and everything was truly magical. The pastor gave his "wedding talk" and was just about to pronounced them husband and wife when DOWN went one of the groomsmen! And I mean DOWN! I listened to the recording of the wedding today and the sound of this young man's head hitting the floor is so loud it's amazing he didn't suffer brain damage.

Kris was sitting behind me. He ran up to help out and it took him and Austin to carry this guy out of the sanctuary because he was out cold and just dead weight --- all 6'5" of him. When he passed out Kylee said "You've got to be kidding; that was supposed to be you" (in an 'I can't believe that just happened' tone of voice) because we all thought Cal would be whoozy and might faint. Cal was great and didn't even seem nervous.

While Alan (let's call him Alan) was being carried out, the pastor said a prayer for him that he would regain consciousness and be able to attend the rest of the wedding. Oh no, he was off to the hospital! We didn't see him again.

Not 20 seconds after the ceremony continued, Cal's sister falls over straight forward and lands on top of the aforementioned precious flower girl. She landed on her chin which busted open and her makeup left a face print on Kylee's train. The poor little flower girl starts crying very loudly because she's just been scared and smooshed. Kylee is sobbing at the alter and everything is out of control.

When I listened to the cd the sound of Kylee's desperate cries just broke my heart -- again. I had gone up to the altar and tried to calm her down but didn't do much good. The pastor quieted everyone down (again), pronounced them husband and wife, told Cal "a kiss would be good right now" and everybody clapped wildly.

Cal had proposed to Kylee at a Hello Goodbye concert to "their" song "It is love". After the pastor "introduced them," this song played and they more or less ran out of the sanctuary --- but to a standing ovation. Kylee was livid! I was stunned and felt like it had to be a bad dream. Five days later I can look back and remember the "good parts" and having the recording helps (except the "bad parts"). I'm going to have the cd copied to have the "bad parts" edited out. It really was a beautiful wedding.

We had a reception at the church with tons of yummy food. A good friend played guitar, harmonica and sang. He even wrote a song just for Kylee and Cal. Unfortunately it took so long for the wedding party to get composed that we were only in the reception for about 15 minutes. Next they got into the limo (a 14-passenger Excursion) for the drive to Tampa where they all were finally able to let loose and enjoy themselves. I called during the trip and they were definitely having fun!

We had reserved the third floor of an Italian restaurant in a crazy part of town, had an open bar, more food, loads of fun; then Cinderella and her Prince had the limo to themselves for the ride to their hotel.

Since there was extra room, Steve and I got to ride in the limo back home --- I love limos!

Please ignore the dirty feet and my Spanx that are showing!!!

2008-01-21T14:13:00.000-05:00

The Gratitude Campaign

2008-01-13T13:36:00.001-05:00

Why Are People Mean?

2008-01-12T08:08:00.000-05:00

Why do people treat each other badly? I guess if we knew exactly why and could fix it we could end all wars and there really would be Peace on Earth.

I had to issue another Mean Person Ticket yesterday. Again to my new boss. I know I'm going to cry while I type this but I probably need to cry anyway --- and I definitely need to write about it.

Yesterday I was finally into the giggly happiness of anticipating my daughter's wedding next Saturday. The ladies I work with were sharing the gaiety with me and I was sure from that time forward every day would be extraordinarily fun. There were some things on my desk I needed to keep in a file for "wedding stuff" and since we're remodeling the offices I couldn't find a file folder to use. I had a cute gift bag in a drawer so I put these things in the bag and stuck a note on the outside "wedding".

Well, being one to never miss an opportunity to be silly and have a little fun, I looked at the bag and the note and I thought --- I'll just write "fund $$ please help" under "wedding" and put the bag next to my desk. Several people walked by, saw the bag, laughed, made a comment such as "I hope you like peanut butter and jelly because that's what you're going to be eating for the next year after paying for two weddings." Then the Sea Hag walked by.

Let me digress...the Sea Hag is a very angry woman whose sole pleasure in life is talking badly about other people. Unfortunately the Sea Hag is very good at Kissing A-s-s and has the new boss thinking she is not evil, and that the rest of are either lesbians, liars, stupid or useless AND perhaps now that I'm an extortionist.

A few minutes after the Sea Hag walked by, the new boss comes to my desk, grabs the bag, throws it in my lap and says very sternly, "Jo Ann, we can't be doing THIS." I said to her retreating back as she storms away, "IT IS A JOKE!". Now keep in mind what the new boss said to me when I asked for an afternoon off to take Austin to the airport after his post-Iraq leave. "I suggest that you take some time to contemplate your commitment to this company and your job. . .we'll meet on ____ for you to give me your decision."

After speaking with a few members of management, I sent this e-mail to the new boss:

I don’t think you handled the “money bag” situation appropriately. Everyone knew it was a joke and it was in no way intended as solicitation. It was just additional humor I was enjoying in anticipation of my daughter’s wedding.

I am a grown woman who has been in the work force for over 30 years and with this company for almost four. I would appreciate being treated in a professional manner.

to which she responded:

Apparently not “everyone” knew it was a joke. I got a complaint about the “money bag”. As far as being professional, I think telling you that we couldn’t do that was in no way unprofessional. What is not appropriate is to have a “money bag” asking for donations for your daughter’s wedding on top of the Partitions in the office – joke or not. (my emphasis)

And we wonder why there is global warming.

Supplement: I found this over at "Running on Empty" --- It's going in a frame on my desk. Next time the boss comes by, I'll be ready for her!

Oh No,,,,,,,,,,,its BOHICA TIME!!

(bend over, here it comes again!)

Winter is on the Way!!!

2008-01-01T12:10:00.000-05:00

This morning it was 74 degrees when I got up . . . by tomorrow morning it will be in the low 30s and by Thursday morning DOWN TO 29 DEGREES!!!!! NOOOOOOOOOO!

Happy New Year!!!! I'm certainly hoping 2008 is better than 2007 was.

Kris & Katie will be here in good ol' PC this week! They are driving their "Harley" truck all the way from Kansas to retrieve their Harley that Steve has "babysat" since Aug 2006. Steve will miss that "Fat Boy". Too bad, so sad. After our experience w/ Jorge I wish none of them would ever ride motorcycles again.

We haven't seen Kris since he returned to the US. They'll stay about a week, drive back to Kansas and then will fly back here a week later for Kylee's wedding. Strange, I know, but Katie has to get back for grad school during that 'tween week. It will be so good to see them both and know they will be "safe" for at least five years. I best be gettin' some grandkids soon too!

I'm sad to say that Austin and Kayli broke up. She's a very sweet girl and I hope we stay in touch for a while. I haven't talked to either of them about the break up but I think it was mostly geographical. Austin has lived in Florida all of his life (other than while in the Army) and as soon as he is discharged he's coming right back to PC. All of Kayli's family is in Washington State and that will always be home for her.

17 days until the wedding! I'm going to cry. . . boo hoo. More later.

Missing my Co-Mothers

2007-12-27T19:21:00.000-05:00

This is really silly, but I miss being part of the Stryker mothers' forum. I enjoyed the common bond we shared supporting the 4th Stryker Brigade. Even my assigned "Friend-in-Arms" mom and I have lost touch. The "I know exactly how you feel" is gone. I feel like I stole Home Base in the World Series in a game I had money on. But I wouldn't trade!

Austin is waiting to see if he has a future in the Army. Kris is enjoying his 30+ days of leave. They will both be here soon for Kylee's wedding.

I cannot believe my daughter is getting married in 23 days and the invitations are still not mailed out. She and her sweetie were waiting for Austin to return to the US in July and now are in hurry-up mode because there is no reason to wait. We're not "formal" people so everyone who is invited already knows when and where. We made the invitations ourselves -- not a craft project I would recommend. But they are so darn cute!

The weather has been wonderful here -- definitely a warm Christmas and it looks like a warm New Year's too. We keep turning the air conditioner on, then off, then on, then off.

2007-12-20T18:15:00.001-05:00

The rap video that Cpt. Adam Snyder's brother Evan made is posted here, along with the memorial service and other videos that were shown. The service lasted for two hours (the fast forward and rewind were a little tricky on my computer). Evan speaks for quite a while toward the beginning of the service and you should watch at least that part and Evan's video.

After I watched myself speaking I thought "I'll never do that again!" I look so old and frumpy -- but I feel so young and fit. I said "July of 2007" when I should have said "July of 2000." I have a "familial tremor" and noticeably shake all the time. Given the emotions of that day it was much more obvious. I wasn't very nervous, just very sad for this family. Adam was such an all around great person and now he's gone.

I also think -- what gives me the right to speak at these funerals. Most "presenters" read the script and present the banners in 2-3 minutes. For some reason I feel motivated to gather information about the soldier and speak about his accomplishments and read very little of the script. Oh well.

2007-12-19T18:47:00.000-05:00

Another Fallen Hero:

As I posted below, Cpt. Snyder's funeral was on Friday, December 14 in Ft. Pierce, Florida. On Saturday, December 15, I attended the funeral of Sgt. Daniel Beougher, 23, Ft. Myers, Florida.

"Danny" was the youngest of four boys -- the only one who chose military service. He had survived two tours in Iraq and one in Afganistan, only to come home and be killed by a drunk driver. He and his wife were within one mile of the family home when a truck crossed the median and struck their vehicle. Danny was pronounced dead at the scene. His wife was critically injured and remained in the hospital for 10 days and was unable to attend his funeral.

After the accident one or two of the people in the truck ran from the scene. One woman remained in the cab of the truck, on the passenger side, but she is suspected of being the driver. The Highway Patrol is investigating.

At Danny's funeral I met his Grandmother Rose. She's a tiny little lady; probably around 75 years old. She has lost a brother, a son (Danny's father) and now a grandson to hit and run drivers. When we met she asked if she could read to me what she was going to read from the podium during the service. We sat down together and she read her brief introduction that she'd written and then took out a piece of paper that she had obviously held on to for a long time. I put my arm around her while she read. When she was finished I told her that what she had chosen was absolutely perfect. That's when she told me about the other accidents.

The Army had chosen to present Danny's family with his Purple Heart and another badge privately in the church library. The Army officers and the family asked me to join them and present the Gold Star banners after the medal presentation. So that's how it happened that day. I told them I am much more comfortable speaking in front of a thousand people than so closely with all of the family (about 20 people), because I was so afraid of disappointing them. Danny's mother-in-law accepted his wife's Gold Star banner. She was so sweet. She hugged me and didn't want to let go.

I stayed for the funeral and then drove the 2 and 1/2 hours back home truly exhausted but thankful to have been allowed the privilege of honoring these two families. After seeing the photos of the graveside service I wish I'd gone along with the Patriot Guard. Next time I will so I have no regrets.

Today I received a response from my new boss on my request to take this afternoon off to take Austin to the airport. She knocked the wind out of me; kicked my legs out from under me; broke my heart. She e-mailed me, "I would recommend you contemplate your commitment to your position and XXX over the next few days and decide if you feel you can honor that commitment. . ." No one has ever questioned my commitment to my job --- in fact, others have always spoken of my passion for my job and my mastery of my responsibilities.

So I cried most of the day; talked to some of the other managers and was assured that I was a valued employee and my dedication to my job is exceptional.

People suck.

2007-12-15T13:42:00.000-05:00

Cpt. Adam P. Snyder
November 18, 1981 - December 5, 2007
Honor Grad, West Point Class of 2004
KIA Iraq
"That wars would never start. . ."

Yesterday I attended Cpt. Snyder's funeral. If it can be said that a funeral was "good," this was a good funeral. Adam was an incredible person; truly "the best of the best." I am so thankful to now know so much about him.

The service lasted for two hours. There were many eulogies by people Adam had asked to speak at his funeral in the event of his death in Iraq. The eulogy by Adam's friend Zach Thomas is posted here.

I was so proud to be part of the service. When I arrived at the church Lt.Col. Maddox introduced me to Pastor Dale who made me feel completely welcome. He had me sit up front with the soldiers. There were no less than 800 people at the service -- probably more. Courage came from somewhere and I was able to speak from the podium for about 10 minutes; even got some laughs; but most importantly did my part to honor Cpt. Snyder and his family. I presented the Gold Star banners to Cpt. Snyder's mother and step father privately at their seats in the front row.

Adam's 15 year old brother Evan spoke about his relationship with his brother. He definitely has his brother's sense of humor and charm. Evan made a rap music video about his feelings on the loss of his brother. Here are the words "by FrAZer":

Soldier, Brother, Friend

(Hook)

I love you, my brother; please tell me how you've been
I'll keep you in my heart 'cause without you I can't win
I love you, my brother; but your life had to end
But everyday of my life you'll be my soldier, brother, friend

I have gone crazy--I do not know which way to go
No one can save me. I'm left in life without my bro
You were my friend, and you had told me all you knew
Your life would end, but of this fact you had no clue
You were a soldier--and you were just doin' your duty
No one is bolder. It's folks like you we see in movies
Everyone loved you--not a day goes by without hearin' your name
I'd always trust you. But now you're gone and it's such a shame (Hook)

When I was informed of the burden that I soon would bare
I broke down cryin' and I didn't care 'bout who was there
I felt your presence but I wanted to see you in person
I needed medicine 'cause at that point my heart was hurtin'
And your best friend took me home while we both was cryin'
You may not be here now but tell you what, we both is dyin'
I never got to say I loved you right before you left
And now I'm sittin' here alone at home and in a mess (Hook)

My brother's life was stolen by all these Iraqi thieves
You say, "Can I do anything for you?" Bring my brother back to me
This keeps attackin' me: this truth, this hurt, this love, this pain
He died in a conflict, but now it's conflictin' my brain
We were just startin' to get closer buildin' our relationship
Spent some time talkin' about movies, girls and politics
You'll never meet a better man and I tell you the truth
The Bible says to pray and that's exactly what I'll do (Hook)

2007-12-13T22:09:00.000-05:00

Moved

2007-12-06T19:13:00.000-05:00

Sweet Relief!

After 15 months in Iraq, Kris arrived in the USA Tuesday evening. We'll get to see him when Kris and Katie are in Florida a few days after Christmas and then again for Kylee's wedding and yet again for Stef's wedding. He sounds GREAT! How sweet it is!

Austin is having fun hanging out with his sister and her fiance. He looks good but his knee keeps him from sitting or standing in one position for very long. I didn't know that his knee injury occurred when the Stryker he was in was "blown up." After seeing the before and after photos I'm glad I didn't know about those (yes, "those", not "that") incidences.

I have taken the Blue Star (3 stars) banners off my car and the house. My life is returning to that of a normal middle-age woman with adult children. We're trying to set a date for Kylee's wedding but things keep getting in the way. Stef's wedding is scheduled for April. Two daughters getting married within a few months --- yikes!

If there were only a word or phrase to describe how my heart felt when I had "children" in Iraq and when I don't --- but all I can say is "sweet relief." Due to their situations it is highly unlikely that either Kris or Austin will be returning to Iraq. Thank God!

Life is good.

2007-11-30T20:45:00.000-05:00

OMG! Austin is HOME!!!!!!!!!!!!

We picked him up at the airport three hours ago. I can't believe he's here! We went to dinner w/ him, Cal and Kylee, and I just kept touching him and hugging him and telling him, "you're right here! You're not over THERE or over there, you're right here!" Oh, what a relief it is!!!!!!!!!

When we got back to the house I asked him for another BIG hug. He hugged me and hugged me and hugged me. OMG. There is no "high" available from any drug in the world that could possibly make me happier than I am right now. No amount of lottery winnings; nothing. OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

He looks GREAT. He had a lot to tell about his experience in Iraq. He has photos of a lot of the guys in his Company. AND, he was recently promoted to Specialist ---- he didn't even tell us! Surprise! Yeah!

I'm going to bed and will sleep better than I've slept in over a year! I'm sleeping in tomorrow w/ a smile on my face. I couldn't get this smile off my face if I tried. My cheek bones look GREAT! OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2007-11-30T14:53:00.000-05:00

Austin will be home-home at 6:00 p.m. today!!!!!!! We haven't seen him in eight months!

Three more days until Kris Leaves Iraq!!!

2007-11-25T12:51:00.000-05:00

NINE MORE DAYS!

2007-11-24T13:49:00.000-05:00

10 More Days 'til he's back in the USA!

Where Have I Been?

2007-11-13T18:27:00.000-05:00

Well, that's a good question.

My husband is back at work just four and 1/2 weeks after his triple bypass surgery. His recovery went very well; amazingly well. Modern medicine!

Austin hasn't made it to Florida yet but we're hoping to see him next week for Thanksgiving. He's doing well; he's just waiting for the Army to decide his future. It would be great if he could stay in the Army but have a different MOS.

Kris will be in Iraq for a few more weeks. I'm still holding in that great big sigh! Katie is finishing up her first semester of grad school, bought a new car, and is getting the house ready for Kris to come home --- after 15 months away.

Kylee and Cal have set a date! The March wedding and reception will be on the beach at a restaurant on Anna Maria Island. We're hoping for great weather -- you never know in Florida.

Stef and Jorge are now engaged and have also set a date. Their April wedding and reception will be a very formal affair. So now we're planning TWO spring weddings.

My blogging days are probably numbered. Without all the fear there isn't much to write about. Life is good; and it will be better soon.

2007-10-31T20:00:00.000-04:00

Updates:

My husband went back to work less than four weeks after having open heart surgery. He's working just a few hours a day this week. He'll go back close to full time next week. Is that incredible or what? If he hadn't brought an ear infection home from the hospital he probably would have gone back to work last week.

Jorge will be released from the rehabilitation center tomorrow. We're getting together this weekend to welcome him home. It's been almost two months since his motorcycle accident. My husband and I haven't seen him in weeks b/c of my husband's surgery and recovery. It will be great to see him again --- and he's walking!

Austin had surgery last Monday (10/22) and is doing very well. He doesn't call his mother as often as I would like (he just called me after I wrote this). He should be headed this way soon and I can't wait to see my Baby! What a relief it is. Kris will be home in less than 30 days and then then my heart will finally relax. Until then, I'm 1/2 way there!

My new boss seems to be working out very well. Other than saying hello every day I haven't had much contact with her. My job is very autonomous and I "just do it." We're having inventory tomorrow and Friday and somehow it fell in my lap. Now that the witch is gone I really, really love my job.

My "Army Mom Times Three" association might fade away as my sons and daughter-in-law will no longer be serving in Iraq or under any kind of pending deployment. Kris and Katie will be in grad school and then teaching at West Point and hopefully making me some grand kids! It will be great to spend time at West Point again --- when Kris and Katie were in college there it was a really wonderful, prideful time for us as his parents.

It's starting to cool off here in Florida. Our electric bills have been around $300 a month and I'm ready for that to stop. Since we live in an historic house (old) and we're in Florida, we had to go to the state sponsored homeowners' insurance company. Our house payment just went up by $300 a month to make up the escrow shortage. Dang.

Austin is Back in the USA!!!!

2007-10-19T15:43:00.000-04:00

Austin is at Ft. Lewis in Washington awaiting knee surgery and most likely will NOT be returning to Iraq; ever.

2007-10-17T22:14:00.000-04:00

This just gave me the best giggle.

Ding Dong the Witch is Gone

2007-10-16T16:01:00.000-04:00

The boss from Hell has been escorted from the building!!!! I wish I'd been there to see it.

I'm working from home over a s-l-o-w connection that is testing my patience. I've also got a patient testing my patience. Actually, he's been really good for having had his chest split open 10 days or so ago. He's even got me cooking again. Now I'm going to gain weight. NOOOOOO!

Austin is in Germany! That means he is NOT IN IRAQ!!!!! Yeah! He sees the surgeon tomorrow and should know the plan soon (did I say "soon" about something to do with the Army?). He told me via IM today that he feels "weird and out of place" at Landstuhl. It's hard to imagine how that must feel, or any part of this war must feel, to actually be in it. I'm just glad he's out of the Sandbox, however temporarily.

We've been watching a lot of WWII history on TV; probably because of Ken Burns' latest documentary "The War." In my opinion, (and this is, afterall, my blog) what we've seen is NOTHING compared to what that generation went through. WWII seems like the "worst war," but it was probably the first war to be so well recorded, on paper, tape, film and in our parents' and grandparents' memory. It is hard to relate imagines of WWI Chaplineque soldiers running awkwardly from the trenches as being those of real people.

My parents and grandparents all died before I had an appreciation for history, especially family history. Like a lot of other people, they may have wanted to put it behind them and not talk about it. I never asked. My mother left behind love letters from my father (they were married in 1946). There may be some "history" there. I read ONE of the letters years ago and decided that was some stuff I did NOT want to know about (and it had nothing to do with war)!

Since I'm discussing history here, there is some investigating that I've always wanted to do regarding my mother. She never knew her father and we don't know if her mother and father were married when she was conceived or ever, which might have been quite the scandal in LA (Lower Alabama) in 1927. Her father's name was James Gamble (I always wished he owned Proctor & Gamble but apparently he didn't). My grandmother's family lived mostly in Dothan and Headland, Alabama. We used to go visiting "up there" when my grandmother was living. It was such fun to play in fields, feed the pigs and chickens. WOW could those women cook!

But we were never to speak of "him." To me he was more than "him," he was "them." He must have married (or remarried), had more children, and there were possibly relatives out there I'd never met. Once, when I lived in Alabama (for a very short time in another life), I traveled a circuit w/ a legal aid lawyer as her assistant. We'd go to all the little towns and provide legal services for the poor. I was filing some documents at a courthouse in a town I sure wish I could remember the name of, when the clerk said to me, "You're one of the Gamble girls, aren't you?"

I'm going to find some of those Gamble girls and see if I do resemble them. There could be cousins who look just like me! I'd love to meet one of my mother's half-siblings. After my grandmother died, my mother talked about finding her "lost family," but she never did even look, I don't think. So that is my next project. If you can help me, this is what I know:

Tera Smith (the person I want info on would be a Smith), my grandmother's maiden name
Tera Poe, her married name (1st? 2nd?)

My grandmother had at least three sisters, one named Cora who was married to Pleaman, a peanut farmer. When she was married to Mr. Poe (never met him, don't know his first name, most likely James), she had two other children, Barbara and James (who served in the Navy), who are both still living but aren't from the "dark side."

Lilly (or Lillian) Jeanne Poe, my mother's maiden name (did Mr. Poe adopt her?)
Jeanne Sciame, my mother's married name (Schamae; it's Italian--my Dad Joseph P. Sciame)
April 10, 1927, my mother's birthdate
Headland, Alabama, believed to be her birth place

In her quest to obtain a passport years ago my mother learned that the courthouse where her birth records and possibly her mother's marriage records were stored had burned down. . . or had it?

We Have an American Flag!

2007-10-10T19:09:00.000-04:00

We now have an American Flag flapping in the breeze on a tall pole at work! Yeah! A former Army Ranger raises it every morning and lowers it every afternoon. This is a huge step forward for patriotism -- the former owners' religion did not allow them to display the American Flag.

My husband is home and doing really well. Modern bypass surgery is really amazing -- "We have the technology." And WE have great health insurance!

Jorge gets better every day. He called my husband today and carried on a good conversation. He is very grateful for all the thoughts and prayers on his behalf.

As for me, I want to scream a series of profanities, hit somebody, collapse in to bed and stay there for a month! But all in all, we are a blessed family. So I will behave.

That's it for now. Sorry it's so boring, but I'm so very tired.

Will It Ever End?

2007-10-08T21:44:00.000-04:00

Thursday morning my husband went to our local hospital before work for a routine stress test. He failed the test and was transported by ambulance to another hospital. After a cardiac catheter procedure we were told he needed bypass surgery, which he had the next day. He is doing really well and should come home from the hospital tomorrow. I'm going to be working from home for two weeks until he can stay by himself.

Which means --- I have a computer! Stef still has mine so I borrowed Kylee's (which she recently bought from Kris --- gotta keep them in the family).

Jorge is out of ICU and getting better every day. Tonight he made some good connections in his healing brain and said "you still make the BEST buns!" (I'm famous for my homemade yeast rolls at family get togethers.) Hopefully he will be able to leave the hospital in a week or so. Poor Stef has had to visit two hospitals: Jorge is in Tampa and her Dad is in Lakeland.

Austin will have knee surgery in Germany sometime soon. We're hoping the Army will just send him home. Kris only has 9-10 weeks left in Iraq! My husband and I want to make the trip to Kansas to welcome him home. What a relief that will be. I cannot imagine how lonely Katie has been this past 13 months.

This has not been a good year for our family. I'd never seen a person on a respirator. This year I've watched the rhythemic up and down of mechanical breathing on three people I love (Kenny, Jorge, Steve). We're still grieving the loss of Kenny. I've imagined over and over what Kenny would be saying to Steve during this ordeal. But Kenny is gone and I still have trouble accepting that fact. Of all the people in all the world, why Kenny?

Thanks for "listening", caring and praying.

Here We Go Again

2007-10-08T09:31:00.000-04:00

My husband had triple bypass surgery Friday.

He made it!!!!!

2007-09-30T15:32:00.000-04:00

Yeah! Jorge is recovering! He's awake, breathing on his own and wants to get out of here!!!! His mother and I went in together after he'd started communicating. He looked at her and said "Hi Ma!" What a sweet moment.

Quick Note

2007-09-28T16:36:00.000-04:00

Jorge is still in ICU. His breathing is better. The doctor told Stef yesterday to not get her hopes up because it is still 50/50. I don't understand this since they've taken the nitric away, backed off the oxygen, the paralytic and sedation drugs and he is showing small signs of waking. We were so excited Wednesday that all of this was done and then to hear that on Thursday was extremely disappointing.

Austin's knee is no better (darn). He should find out tomorrow if he is going to have surgery soon or move with his Platoon to a different FOB. Reports from the Platoons who have already moved are NOT good regarding conditions --- bed bugs, no hot water, etc. I think a call to the White House might be in order!!!

Kris is now able to IM every day so we are having our first "conversations" in over a year (other than his R&R break and a phone call on Mother's Day). I'm learning things I never knew before --- IMing must be more comfortable for him to share information (not OPSEC stuff). Kris AND Katie have signed on for 20 years! For anyone who ever asked me if they were "lifers", the answer is YES.

Kylee is in Kansas visiting Katie and Kayli. It's homecoming weekend at Kayli's college so they should have a fun time. None of us had met Kayli. Now she'll be an official member of the "FAM".

So, we wait . . .

Update on Jorge

2007-09-24T17:01:00.000-04:00

Jorge remains in critical condition in the ICU. His kidneys failed over the weekend so he was put on dialysis. Stef (and I) set up a CaringBridge.org site for him. This is a wonderful (free) service for keeping in contact with family and friends while your loved one goes through an extended illness or prolonged recovery. Take a look and if you know of anyone in a similar situation, tell them about this.

Austin has re-injured his knee and is out of the fighting for at least a month and probably longer. I've never been so excited and relieved to hear that one of my children had an injury. He's just hanging around at the FOB giving his leg time to heal. I want to tell him to jump up and down on that leg, but I probably shouldn't!

Stef still has my laptop so I'm sneaking this in at work. I'm "Jonesing" for a computer!!!!

No Posts for a While

2007-09-21T14:32:00.000-04:00

Jorge is not doing well at all. Stef has my laptop so she can work from the hospital.

2007-09-17T18:16:00.000-04:00

Check this out!

It's the Welcome Home T-Shirt design for Kris' battalion!!!!! If there's a t-shirt design then they must be coming home soon!

In the photo below Kris (left) is handling the re-enlistment of one of his former soldiers. (I am definitely NOT old enough to be this MAN's mother!) Kris has moved on to Battalion Staff for the remainder of his deployment; I'm not sure what that means other than he is no longer the CO of the 111th Sapper Company.

The photo is from the 1st Engineers' August newsletter.

I came across August edition of The Desert Raider, the newsletter of the 4/2 combat team. Though there was no mention or photo of Austin, my familiarity with the list of the Fallen confirmed I was reading about his activities as part of the brigade.

Oddly enough, there were TWO articles about deployed siblings; two brothers and a brother and a sister. I found this little tidbit in one of the articles.

So it has now been confirmed that I am NOT the only stressed out Mom of two deployed soldiers.

Actually, I am less stressed now than I have been in years. With all of the deployments and pending deployments, my heart has been on a roller coaster ride since 9/11. Now we're heading for the finish line and I'm excited!

[Jorge is still the same. The doctors backed off the respirator a little to see if he could do some breathing on his own; he can. Yeah!]

Harm at Home

2007-09-15T21:27:00.000-04:00

Stef's boyfriend Jorge is in intensive care in a Tampa hospital. He was injured in a motorcycle accident a week ago -- battered, bruised, a broken hand and pelvis -- but no life threatening injuries.

All that changed yesterday when during surgery to repair his pelvis, blood clots from the injury traveled to his lungs which put him in pulmonary arrest. Fortunately he was on a respirator for the surgery or he may not have survived.

He is still on the respirator and under heavy sedation until his heart rate returns to normal and he can breath on his own. When we left the hospital tonight he had a fever but otherwise looked calm and comfortable.

Stef doesn't like this photo because she looks like she has two chins --- but she was leaning back being silly right when I took it. But it's such a cute photo of Jorge being affectionate.

I've always thought Jorge looks like The Rock -- he can do the eyebrow thing too.

Jorge enlisted in the Army last year at the age of 32. After a few weeks of basic training he realized that military life was not for him and was able to return home. He tried though; he really did. Otherwise there would be four stars on my Blue Star Banner and that would just be too much.

This is going to be a long road to recovery for Stef and Jorge. They've been together for two years and there is no doubt how much they love each other. Keep them in your thoughts over the next week or so as Jorge recovers.

One Year Ago !!!

2007-09-14T18:08:00.000-04:00

Next Friday Kris will have been in Iraq for ONE YEAR! A whole year! Three hundred and sixty-five days! Fifty-two weeks! Twelve months! And I'm still sane (well, sort of -- I don't poo my pants or anything like that). I should wait until next Friday to write about this, but I'm so excited that I can't wait. Today I have been almost giddy with the anticipation of that HUGE SIGH OF RELIEF that I will feel in three months (and one week)!

Of course, tempering that is Austin's tour in Iraq lasting nine more months. BUT, having "made it" to one year when this time last year I didn't think I could "make it" a week, I know I can hold on for nine more months. What's nine months when I've already "tackled" an entire year. (I know it's 3/4 of a year but let's not think that way!). AND, if the maximum time when either Kris or Austin (or both) would be in Iraq is 22 months, I'm more than 1/2 way home! (BTW, my math might be messed up, but Austin is due back early July 2008).

And it's FRIDAY! This time last week I was having a blissful time in Vermont. At this EXACT time I was taking a nap at the B&B in a bed close to a window with a refreshing breeze blowing in along with the sounds of the wind in the trees. I keep thinking -- wouldn't it be really neat if we could sort of stay awake while we take lovely afternoon naps? Sort of twilight sleep so we can experience all that lazy time of day offers and still get some yummy rest.

Now for your Friday viewing pleasure: on your left, MEN will see a sunset on the beach. WOMEN, however, will see my soon-to-be son-in-law (on the beach at sunset). Is he HOT or what --- I mean it is ALWAYS hot on the beach, so I'm only assuming that he was HOT the day this photo was taken. Right? Wouldn't you assume that too? His name is Cal (Callen) --- how COOL is that? He is as sweet as he is hunky (did I say that?). This photo reminds me of a six pack. I mean a six pack of beer! Perv! I was thinking of buying him a six pack of beer. Yes, that's what I was thinking.

Ok, that's enough silliness. You'd think it was Friday night of a rough week and I'd already started sipping delicately on some fine wine. Well, you are wrong! It is Friday night of a rough week but I'm actually chugging on some mediocre wine! After the first glass, does it really matter?

Actually, I'm just mellow and that's a good thing.Since hubby won't be home for a couple of hours I think I'll take another blissful nap --- hey, where's the breeze and the sound effects?

9/11

2007-09-11T21:37:00.000-04:00

Last night I wrote in my journal: "Tomorrow is 9/11. Six years ago my daughter called me crying and asked 'does this mean Kris will have to go to war?' Now the war has both of her brothers and most of my soul." I'll leave it at that.

Vermont and back

2007-09-11T19:00:00.000-04:00

The Vermont trip was lovely -- I wanted to stay for a week but settled for most of three days. It was HOT Friday and Saturday but cooled off with rain on Sunday. There were tiny areas where the leaves had either started to turn or those trees just had orange leaves. In two weeks the mountains will be beautiful -- but I won't get to see them.

We left on 6 a.m. flights and the six of us were in our rental car in Vermont at 11 a.m. That still amazes me; how we can travel so fast. Our first stop was the Von Trapp Family Lodge where we had lunch outside overlooking the mountains, then literally frolicked in the meadow while singing "the hills are alive. . ." It was corny but fun. I have video of us dancing and singing on my phone (I forgot my camera) but I don't know how to get it to my computer. Everyone else took lots of photos and I'll share them once they are uploaded.

Norwich has an almost fairytale campus. It is so neat and tidy, old and sturdy. It seems the ideal setting for enjoying life and getting an education. Of course, I've never been in Vermont in the winter -- it has to be brutal.

The military aspect of the college was great for me to see. It definitely reminded me of a small, more casual West Point. We watched the freshmen in their first parade and they looked mighty fine. At the football game all the freshman had to stand in the end zone and do push ups when the team scored. Unfortunately the team didn't score much and lost their Homecoming game 20-13. Our favorite quarterback was disappointed but kept a good attitude.

We stayed at a really great B&B. We had three bedrooms on the third floor (former attic) and since we kept the adjoining doors open it felt like a big suite. I could have enjoyed just staying there relaxing and reading. The flowers in Vermont are incredible and this B&B had an abundance of hydrangas, ferns, sunflowers, hostas, petunias. If we tried to maintain those kinds of plants and flowers in that quantity in Florida we'd need a 2nd mortgage to pay for the water.

Austin called at 5:30 a.m. on Sunday but by the time I woke up and realized my phone was ringing I missed him. He tried to get on Yahoo IM today and I felt so bad for him because each time he'd get signed on he would get knocked off within a few seconds. He managed to write that he'd waited for two hours to use the computer, only had 30 minutes and couldn't talk to anyone. I felt myself trying to "feel his pain" so the yoga breathing kicked in and I was able to avoid falling apart. But I wanted to help him so badly and I couldn't do anything.

The Diet of Double Deployment

2007-09-05T19:49:00.000-04:00

( I love this photo so I'm posting it again.)

My nightly glass (or two) of Chardonnay is sending me to twinkle land early this evening. It could be the lack of food. I've lost over 20 lbs. since my boys went in the Sandbox to play. Not that it is bad thing because I needed to lose 20 lbs. But sometimes real food like meat, veggies, sauces, just are inedible to me so it's nothing or a bowl of cereal for dinner. I do love multi-grain Tostidos or is it Doritos. Whatever it is, we're OUT. That's my after work, after yoga, after whatever snack and sometimes my dinner. Multi-grain tortilla chips and Chardonnay. The diet of double deployment.

I had a HORRIBLE dream about Austin last night. He had, of course, been killed and I could not accept that knowledge and looked all over the world for him. It was an awful feeling, even after I woke up and realized it was just a dream; a nightmare if there ever was one.

Then at work today around 10 a.m. I see "Austin is now online." WOWOWOWOWOWOWOW! I was so excited to KNOW that he was OK. We only had about 15 minutes. He said the computers "there" are on timers. He was also IM'ing w/ Kayli and Kylee. He must be one fast typer.

We actually 'talked' about real war/political issues today. We are both convinced that basic human nature is to blame. Just think about it --- if there were no "bad guys" there would be no war. But what constitutes a "bad guy"? Someone who disagrees with US (no pun intended). We both agree that taking out Saddam was necessary; however, trying to civilize an uncivilized population who think they are going to be rewarded for dying in the act of killing other people? (Cue "Mission Impossible" theme.)

So, what's it all about? Greed, power, subjagation of women. Greed certainly on the part of the US contractors who were supposed to provide services to the US and Iraqi militaries. Power certainly on the part of ANYONE given it. Subjagation of women --- is that their biggest fear? That their women will unveil themselves and demand that they be treated like human beings?

Tonight at yoga when we were finishing up and winding down, my mind kept wandering to BAD places. No matter how hard I tried to focus on my "breath," I had horrible imaginings in my head. I tried to shake them off but back I'd go. It's as though a moment still is a moment of terror. Now even when I sleep.

Ten+ more months to go. At 22 months (15+15 w/ a 9 month overlap) to go I could not imagine living with this feeling of dread and doom for even a few weeks. It's been almost a year now and I'm still alive. Still have a husband, a job, a house, two dogs, three cats, one truck, one suv, a few friends, my health is questionable, but appears OK. My face has probably aged more in the past 11 months (since Kris left) than in the last 11 years. A friend at work and I have made a pact to get mini-facelifts in early 2008. We shook on it -- so I've got to do it.

Tea Time

2007-09-03T18:46:00.000-04:00

A few weekends ago we went to Coral Springs to surprise our friend Ann for her birthday. This was her first birthday since her husband died in February (see post "My Friend Kenny) so we wanted it to be full of friends and fun.

We had dinner Friday night at DJ's on the Beach, then Saturday we ladies had "Tea" followed by some pampering at a spa.

It was fun to put on these old hats, gloves and bobbles. I might have this hat on backwards. We had so much fun pretending to be fancy smancy.

We had a very relaxing time with our friends "down south".

This weekend we ladies are going to Vermont for Homecoming at Norwich University where Ann's oldest son is the quarterback of the football team.

________________________________________

Kris has moved to his final post before redeploying back home. That was a real relief to hear. This post is apparently very large and away from the "action."

Austin was able to IM several times last week. Kylee is going out to Kansas to visit Kris' wife Katie and then to visit Austin's girlfriend Kayli at college for their homecoming weekend. Hopefully sometime soon the rest of us will get to meet Kayli. She's such a sweet girl.

There'll be no Army "business" for me this week (hopefully) and I'm looking forward to a break from it all.

14 Hours of Wonderful Sleep!

2007-09-01T11:36:00.000-04:00

A glass of wine and goodnight was my Friday night! Ok, AND one xanax.

Hey --- it's September! I get to mark another month off the deployment calendar!!!! Just FOUR left for one and ELEVEN for the other!

2007-08-31T18:54:00.000-04:00

First, if you have any suggestions on good wines to try, please let me know as my consumption is going to increase. Not for any particular reason. I just like feeling "comfortable numb."

Jan Wesner published an article featuring me in the St. Petersburg Times today. The online version doesn't have the photo and I wanna see the photo real bad. I looked around "our town" and could not find a paper. We are in the next county over from St. Pete and there probably aren't a lot of readers over this way yet. Jan wrote that some parents turn to alcohol or sedatives to cope with their son's deployment and that I turn to support groups such as the Blue Star Mothers. Well I also turn to alcohol AND sedatives to cope with my sons' deployment. I've made several attempts to try to sleep without xanax and give up between 1:30 and 2:00 a.m.

Today I attended Sgt. Britt's funeral in Longwood, FL. It was a very nice service, very sad of course. The CAO had told me yesterday I would be doing a private presentation to the family after the service. When I arrived at the church today the CAO told me there was a change of plans and that I would be doing the presentation before the congregation. The representatives of the Patriot Guard also gave their presentation in the same manner and they did very well (thank you Susan).

One of the reasons I attend the funerals and make the presentations is to permanently imprint the faces of the families in my mind and heart. We sometimes say so casually that "they will never be forgotten" and a few weeks later we cannot remember their names. I've seen so much sorrow over the last two months and I want to honor my vow to never forget these brave soldiers and their families.

I truly feel honored to be allowed into the lives of these families for just a few minutes to show them that we care, that we can only imagine how much they are hurting. And after each presentation (or during it) I cry and cry and cry and it helps me to have a long emotional cry because afterwards I feel somewhat cleansed and ready to face a few more days or weeks of fear for my own children's lives.

During this long weekend I am going to do a lot of nothing. I'm so tired that I could probably sleep until Sunday night.

Sgt. Sandy R. Britt, Fallen Hero, and Yet Another

2007-08-30T18:05:00.001-04:00

I will be attending Sgt. Britt's funeral tomorrow to present the Gold Star Banners to his family.

Today I was notified that another soldier from our small town was killed in Afghanistan; Cory Clark, 25 years old. He was deployed from Ft. Lewis, WA (as is Austin).

__________________________________________________________________

Today I went to a dentist who uses nitrous oxide on wimpy patients like me(my former dentist refused to work on my teeth because I have panic attacks every time I go into a dental facility). I should NEVER have used the gas. At first I felt really good, really, REALLY good. I thought to myself, "I get to do this for an hour!" Then it went very wrong. All I could think about was Austin (probably because we had an IM chat today) and these were NOT good thoughts. I think if you are basically happy the gas will make you feel happier. But if at the core of your being you are terrified, the gas makes it easier to imagine the source of your terror.

When I started crying the dentist asked me if I wanted to reschedule. It's hard to breath through a snotty nose (that's where the gas goes in) and I'm sure he didn't want his fingers in the mouth of an hysterical person. But I wanted to get this over with and not have another appointment to dread. I was able to calm down and after the last Novocaine shot for the second procedure I had them take the gas off. I handled the rest of the procedure w/o the gas and, other than trembling all over, did just fine. They were very kind and understanding but I was very embarrassed.

Thursdays are meditation class nights but I just wanted to come home.

More Fallen Heros

2007-08-29T20:02:00.000-04:00

Florida has lost two more heros. Staff Sgt. Sandy R. Britt,, 30, of Apopka, FL and Sgt. 1st Class David A. Heringes, 36, of Tampa, FL, both out of Ft. Bragg, NC. Sgt. Heringes' funeral and burial will be at Arlington; Sgt. Britt's funeral and burial will be in Apopka, FL. If the family chooses to allow the Blue Star Mothers of Florida to present them with Gold Star Banners at the funeral, I will be the presenter. Everything is ordered and on the way; I await the family's decision. Strangely, if the funeral were on Saturday I would attend even if they did not invite us; but attending a soldier's funeral on a weekday costs me a day's pay. Why should that matter?

The Blue to Gold Star liaison from Michigan called me this afternoon and she too finds that attending these funerals and presenting the Gold Star Banners helps her cope with her son's deployment. Personally I think it is extremely important that the presenter be a mother/wife of a currently deployed serviceman because we can honestly say that at any time the next Gold Star Banner could be presented to us. Which thought, statement, or whatever, gives me chills up my spine and sends me into complete denial!

Tonight I am going to read up on "anticipatory grief," as was suggested by "She Who Waits" (see Blogs I Read). I honestly believe there is no way to prepare one's self for the death of a child, but something in my head tells me there is. Isn't it odd to look at a person and know that 24/7 they are living in fear? I still cannot even imagine 11 more months of this constant state of terror. But I have no choice but to live with it.

I've mentioned before that I should buy stock in Kendall Jackson (if it is a publicly traded company). My first act after walking the dogs is hitting the bottle. Gift cards gratefully accepted.

My Deployment Letter

2007-08-27T21:07:00.000-04:00

Dear Deployment:

When you came around again for Kris he was very excited to see you. He is Army through and through and he actually even likes you. Other than missing his wife, I think he'd stay with you. You offer him the opportunity to be a leader, a warrior, perhaps a hero. For that I thank you.

But I don't like you much at all. Over the past 11 months I have become accustomed to you; kind of like a shoe that doesn't quite fit. What was at first an oozing blister is now a tough callous. You and I are on the back stretch, just about to round turn three, breeze into turn four and cross the finish line in four (hopefully) short months. Your grip on my heart is loosening and I can imagine the time when that gigantic sigh of relief will put you out of my life for a very long time.

When you came for Austin he was determined to get along with you even though you took him before his leg was completely healed from surgery. You took hold of his mind and convinced him that loyalty to you was more important than his own personal safety. You offer him the opportunity to be a man, a soldier, perhaps a hero too. For that I also thank you.

We are just getting to know each other in this relationship and you have scared me beyond the point of sanity. My heart is firmly in your tightening grip and unless I strengthen myself, you will win this fight.

Deployment, I am resolved to not allow you to destroy my life. You had me down on the mat and the count was at nine and 1/2, but I'm up now. It's "no holds barred" from here on out. You keep my son for another 11 months --- almost another entire year --- but you keep him SAFE! He is completely dedicated to finishing YOUR job, part of which is to protect him. Deployment, if you take my son from me you will win. I cannot lie. You will win. But you will also suffer because I will admonish you from "sea to shining sea" as a hateful bastard who should be banished to hell.

Kris and Austin's Mom

A New Day

2007-08-25T09:01:00.000-04:00

This will be short because a friend is coming over to help me redecorate my bedroom because she thinks it will help me to feel better -- is that sweet or what?

I'm not deleting the two paragraphs from my last post YET because I'm getting the feedback and advice I desperately need!

My husband is working today -- I sent him an e-mail "Do you want me to buy new painting tools or just destroy yours?"

Why Does My Son Rage?

2007-08-24T18:28:00.000-04:00

I really want all of you to know that I appreciate your comments, your love, your hugs, your advice, and everything about those of you who read my ramblings! Every day when I get home I go straight to my blog to "hear" from you all. You make my days brighter!

Regarding the helicopter crash on Wednesday, the unit initially identified as being involved was incorrect. The two pilots and two crew members on the helicopter were out of Ft. Lewis, WA --- Austin's unit. If I had seen that before I heard from my sons, more than panic would have happened; probably a lot of screaming, crying and I'd definitely have less hair.

Most tragically, one of the soldiers killed was the second son in his family to be killed in Iraq. How horrible for his family. How does life go on?

My older son is very upset with me for my recent "interference" in things of war. He's been brutally open with his disapproval of me for panicking when I heard of the helicopter crash ("if something happens to one of us you will find out w/n hours through official channels"); becoming involved in getting generators fixed; sending an e-mail to the White House to try to get Austin home; and on and on. When he was home for R&R and I mentioned some things I had become involved in he said, "Why don't you just live your OWN life?" This IS my OWN life. If one of my sons is killed in this war it would not only be the end of them, it would be the end of me!

Sometimes I want to change the name of my blog to ArmyMomOfOne because Austin is really the only one who cares that I care that he is in danger. He listens to what I have to say, appreciates what I am willing (and sometimes able) to do, he knows how much his being killed or wounded would destroy me. Katie is in grad school in Kansas and Kris is fighting WWIII and emulating George Patton.

I know tomorrow I'll delete the last two paragraphs, but for now they stay. This is my life. This is how it is. This is the truth.

Panic Attack!

2007-08-22T19:48:00.001-04:00

This morning when I signed on to Yahoo messenger at work to be available if Austin was able to IM, there it was: "Helicopter crash kills 14 soldiers." After I saw that, nothing else penetrated my brain --- I just shut down. Nothing mattered to me except trying to find out that none of those killed were MINE.

I knew that either Kris or Austin were going to be on a helicopter going to visit each other and I just knew whichever one was on board was gone. I started breathing heavily, sweating, couldn't focus, couldn't really even understand what people were saying to me even though I was trying to act like nothing unusual was going on. CNN.com, MSNBC.com, Strykernews.com. . . What I read was somewhat reassuring --- they actually published the name of the unit involved. I think that is horribly wrong for the families of those who were killed (or even in the same unit) but selfishly right because of the relief it brought to others, specifically ME.

Austin hadn't IM'd me in over a week yet a few minutes after I saw the news, there he was! I e-mailed Kris just saying "I need an e-mail!" He e-mailed back 10 minutes or so later and blessed relief set in. Both of my sons were safe.

Kris told me that I was annoying and that if I didn't get help soon I was going to have a heart attack. Austin told me his company had lost a soldier last week and when I asked for details he just said "don't worry about it." Unfortunately I will be long dead and gone before these sons of mine realize that parents don't have an "off switch"! If I did, believe me, I'd throw it!

All day I just kept thinking about the soldiers who did die in that helicopter crash and about the 14 families that would get that dreaded knock on the door today. Those soldiers were just like mine; those families just like mine.

I was trying to explain how I feel to a co-worker (mother and grandmother) and all I could come up with was either Russian Roulette where the trigger is pulled until a bullet discharges from the gun and kills SOMEONE's child; or that casino wheel where the ball goes round and round and eventually lands somewhere --- on SOME MOTHER'S number?

Eleven and 1/3rd more months. If one of them goes again, give me the gun!

A BIG DAH!!!!!

2007-08-21T16:53:00.000-04:00

If it weren't for my other blog, I'd think nobody loved me any more! I must have changed the setting by accident! I kept looking and looking and thought if nobody is reading this, why write!

Thank you so much for telling me you COULDN'T COMMENT!

Both boys are A-OK. I did have an e-mail from Kris this morning (yeah!) and Kayli and Kylee IM'd w/ Austin yesterday.

More later (I'm at work).

Doesn't Anyone Read my Blogs?

2007-08-19T22:57:00.000-04:00

I'm feeling lonely! Where are my pals who usually leave comments? Have I become too boring? Boo-hoo.

Doggone it!

2007-08-15T18:31:00.000-04:00

I hired a dog walker! Because my husband gets home from work at least two hours after I do AND I work 20 miles from home, I was feeling really tied down by having to be home by a certain time every day to walk the dogs. Now, two days a week they get a nice long walk with a very nice woman and I can stay in Lakeland and do fun stuff. Yoga was on the menu for this evening but I forgot my comfy clothes and had to work late anyway. Definitely meditation tomorrow evening.

We are hearing from "the boys" on a regular basis these days. I'm still scared of everything unfamiliar or unexpected; still wishing this was all over.

My sons don't even think I am entitled to worry about them. And they won't understand how I feel until they have children of their own who go off to war --- but even then they won't be mothers! They just think I should be able to go on about my regular life as though they were just "at the office." Come on! We're talking about maternal instincts here. I haven't found the "off switch" yet -- have any of you?

Say Cheese! Newspaper photographer -- for an upcoming article by Jan Wesner

2007-08-12T15:39:00.001-04:00

Fallen Hero Pfc. Cody Grater

2007-08-11T22:55:00.000-04:00

Today I attended the funeral of Pfc. Cody Grater, 20, Spring Hill, Florida. I drove up last night and stayed w/ my new wonderful friend Jan, and together we presented the Gold Star Banners to Cody's mother and stepfather. Cody was buried at the Florida National Cemetery in Bushnell. I rode to the cemetery on the back of a Harley w/ the Patriot Guard. The streets were lined for miles with people waving flags, saluting, crying.

All of this was an amazing show of love for this young soldier who gave his life in America's continued battle for freedom.

People ask me why I go to these funerals. Here is my answer: I can do absolutely nothing to protect my two sons in Iraq but I CAN do THIS to help comfort the families of our Fallen Heroes. Attending these funerals on behalf of not only the Blue Star Mothers, but on my own behalf AS a mother, is the only real contribution I can make. It is doing SOMETHING --- the opposite of doing NOTHING.

Learning to be Still

2007-08-08T21:05:00.000-04:00

After work this afternoon I went to an introductory Yoga class. In my quest to deal with the my emotions during the deployment of my sons, I am trying many different ways to calm myself. Since I was the only person in this Intro class, I had a "private lesson." The woman instructor is a school teacher with an amazingly calm voice. During the relaxing times after the stretches she read to me peaceful passages from a book on learning how to live in the moment. This woman also teaches meditation and I'm going to that class tomorrow night. I often think of the Eagles' song "Learn to be Still" when I try to describe how I want to feel.

It’s just another day in paradise
As you stumble to your bed
You'd give anything to silence
Those voices ringing in your head

. . . But you never will-Learn to be still

I'm not turning "weird" or converting to Buddhism or anything like that. I am simply participating in activities that will "restore" my mind and ease my tense body.

Florida has lost another soldier, Spc. Christopher T. Neiberger, 22, of Gainesville, Florida, who was killed on August 6. This Saturday is the funeral for Pfc. Cody C. Grater, 20, of Spring Hill, Florida, who was killed on July 29. Another Blue Star Mother has invited me to stay with her near Spring Hill Friday night so that I won't have so far to drive on Saturday, but I'm still don't know if I CAN attend this funeral.

At Sgt. Howdeshell's funeral yesterday, as the Honor Guard was folding the flag w/ amazing precision and while taps was played, I watched his wife gasping for breath, barely able to stand, and I wanted to go hold her up. But I didn't.

Fallen Hero Sgt. William R. Howdeshell

2007-08-07T19:43:00.000-04:00

Today I attended the funeral of Sgt. William R. Howdeshell, United States Army. I want to write about this Fallen Hero's funeral, his life, his family, his little boy, but I want to do that when I am not emotionally exhausted.

Presenting the Gold Star Banners was a humbling experience for me and I will do it as often as I am called upon.

One of my favorite quotes (though I don't know who wrote it) is "If your child can stand in battle to ensure my freedom, then I will stand in grief with his family to honor him." It was my honor and privilege to stand in grief with the family of St. Howdeshell today.

Presenting Gold Star Banners Tomorrow

2007-08-06T22:10:00.000-04:00

Tomorrow I will present Gold Star Banners to the wife, mother and father of a Fallen Hero. His funeral is being held about 50 miles from my house and he will be buried in Arlington later this week.

I've never seen a Gold Star Banner presentation and I have certainly never made one. However, either I'm in this war all the way or I'm not in this war at all. I cannot go on as if nothing is happening and not do "my duty" when called upon.

Please think about me around noon tomorrow as I hopefully am able to honor this family and console them in their loss.

My New Blog Is Up and Running

2007-08-04T21:26:00.001-04:00

Instead of redesigning this blog, I decided to have two going at the same time. This one will be mostly about my sons' experiences and how I interfere in their lives trying to be Super Mom. The other one is going to be about BLISS. TakingBackMyBliss.Blogspot.com

It's really beautifully designed. I haven't added all my personal info yet or any links, but I'll get to it soon.

My "opening statement" will be repetitive to what you already know about me, so go back in a few days for "fresh" stuff.

Mom, did you call the President?

2007-08-02T18:57:00.000-04:00

Well, ah, no, not call, certainly not call, but, um, wait a minute, I think I might have e-mailed the White House; yes, that's it, I e-mailed the White House several months ago. Why?

Tuesday, July 31, Austin was "summoned" to his Commanding Officer's location and told that the White House had authorized him to return to the US because his mother had contacted the White House stating that she did NOT want both of her sons in a war zone at the same time. Can you believe that? One e-mail sent months ago when Austin was deployed to Iraq six weeks after having knee surgery and wasn't sure he'd even be able to walk, much less run, achieved the goal of allowing Austin to come home from Iraq!

Austin is not coming home from Iraq. His initial reaction was NO, he was staying with his fellow soldiers and serving his country. His fellow soldiers told him he'd be crazy not to jump on this chance to go home. He spoke with his CO, his sister, his girlfriend, me, and his firm decision was NO, he did not want to go home.

His CO called me from Iraq about 1 in the afternoon (our time) to discuss the information he had been provided. He said that Austin is an excellent soldier and a vital part of their team and that if he chose to leave, it would be their loss. The CO was VERY kind and understanding, assuring me that Austin was not in trouble of any kind -- I guess it felt like being called to the Principal's office in elementary school; only a lot worse.

I had truly forgotten about sending that e-mail because a few weeks later Austin had adjusted to life in a war and no longer wanted to come home. And to think that ONE E-MAIL to the White House would actually be acted on, much less the request granted? I was absolutely stunned. I was also extremely proud of Austin for making the brave decision to stay and fight the battle with his fellow soldiers. For a few minutes when I thought he MIGHT be coming home I felt a tremendous sense of relief, but this is his decision to make and I think he made the right one.

After I talked with Austin's CO, he put Austin on the phone. The connection was really bad so I couldn't hear much of what he said but about an hour later we had a lengthy IM discussion and got things cleared up. On his MySpace page, Austin put "My mother is way more awesome than yours" and "You better not mess with me, man, or my mom will send you an E-MAIL!" I'm so proud!

Apparently none of the officers in Austin's unit knew that his brother was also in Iraq. Austin told me that if siblings are serving at the same time the Army sends them both to a green zone to visit for a few days now and then. So next week Austin and Kris will get to see each other for the first time in over a year and a half. Kris is going back to Battalion Staff in a week or so, but hopefully Austin will get to see him "in action" as the CO of the 111th Sapper Company.

Kris is seven years older than Austin and he left for West Point when Austin was only 11. Four years at West Point and then seven in the Army didn't a foster close relationship between. After Austin joined the Army the only time Kris and Katie saw him was at Basic Training graduation. Then they were all here, there and everywhere, just not at the same time.

So I'm hoping these two sibling soldiers can get to know each other better in the Sandbox and develop a bond that will last way beyond the end of this war.

More Photos Tomorrow!

2007-07-30T19:44:00.000-04:00

2007-07-30T06:56:00.000-04:00

Generators at some locations in Baghdad are non-operational; thus no A/C ---- we have a contact on the ground in Baghdad who works for the contractor that supplies and maintains these generators.

My son's "forum" will not allow me to get the word out that if other sons are suffering in this intolerable heat and taking risks because of it ---- to let me know. Now is the time!

sjross at tampabay (.rr.com)

My son's "location" has now had power for THREE DAYS! YEAH!

ARMY MOMS ROCK!!!!!

2007-07-28T12:34:00.000-04:00

Censored by request

This morning I was contacted by XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX regarding the inoperative generators!!!!! He responded to a comment I left on the XXXXX website. I called him in Baghdad and gave him the necessary information. This is his e-mail:

"I would like to fix those generators. Where are they located, in particular which site?"

(I removed his name and contact information.) He was so genuinely concerned (hopefully) and I just kept saying "Thank you, Thank you, Thank you, Thank you . . ." Finally I said "if I stay on the phone I'm just going to keep saying THANK YOU!" He promised to call me tomorrow to report on any progress! If he doesn't, I'VE GOT HIS NUMBER and a BLOG to post it on!!!!!

I don't know when I've been so excited about anything! I talked to my FIA (Friend In Arms) for TWO HOURS after speaking with the XXXXXX rep. this morning. I also contacted the local tv reporter who has been helping me! And, of course, CNN!

IF (I am still cautiously optimistic) this happens and our soldiers are provided relief from the overwhelming heat and lack of electric power, I will proclaim LOUD AND CLEAR that we (ordinarily people like you and me) CAN use our voices and resources to do our part in this war. WE CAN HELP OUR SOLDIERS!

LAW (Liberal Army Wife) --- if it weren't for you I never would have known to or thought of contacting XXXXX. You are and have always been my ROCK!

My "Friend In Arms"

2007-07-27T18:27:00.001-04:00

My "Friend In Arms" (Kathy) has started her own blog. Please go visit her and offer your support and encouragement. Her son is deployed in Iraq in the same unit with Austin. Long story/short: we have a large support group over at Strykernews.com/Forum; about a month ago one of the members decided that we mothers should be paired up to develop closer relationships. Kathy and I were assigned to each other but we'd already been e-mailing and talking on the phone, so it was really a fun surprise to find out that we had become official "Friends In Arms".

I'd estimate that 20-25 e-mails pass between us every day. I've never met Kathy but I feel like I know her so well. We're both mothers of soldiers who are fighting a war and we just want them back home w/ us. Kathy is a homemaker and caretaker of a foster child who lives in New Jersey. I work full-time (plus) 20 miles from home in Florida. If I need anything and don't have time to find it, Kathy does it for me. She is absolutely amazing. She's new to blogging, so help her along as much as you can!

I'm still working on the "situation" and sent out over 100 more e-mails today. So far, no solution.

ONE MAD MOM!

2007-07-26T21:09:00.000-04:00

Austin was able to IM for a few minutes yesterday. I can't go into the situation, but I've got three national organizations working on a solution. I also contacted our Congressman's office, who contacted the House Liaison for the Department of the Army in Washington, DC. I e-mailed several well-known milbloggers, the NY Times, the Washington Post, Anderson Cooper. I'm one pissed off Army Mom.

The comments on my last post were great -- Butterfly Wife, if I ever meet you I'm going to knock all the dust off your wings! No, just kiddin'. I always blamed Kris for getting snippy with me when it was probably me treating him like a child that caused the snippiness. It's so hard to think of my children as adults. Kris is a West Point grad, an Army Captain, a company commander and I still want to hold his hand when he crosses the street (but they won't let me go to Iraq with him). It was almost surreal when my psychologist so bluntly pointed out what I've been doing.

Why does it take the eyes of others for me to see?

Getting "Over It"

2007-07-24T21:46:00.000-04:00

Well, I had the cutest post going when my computer when SPLAT! The battery has NO charge in it at all (i.e., it's toast) so if the adapter cord comes lose for a second it shuts down. This is try #3 to get something posted. I should have known to remain in that uncomfortable position and NOT move an inch and thus dislodge the adapter cord.

Remember SAVE OFTEN!

I was writing about my new (male) psychologist who is very skilled in asking the right questions and following up with specific instructions, assignments, exercises for me to do to get my depressed brain out of the dumper. It has taken me years to realize (just today) that I cannot go to a woman psychologist (sorry Deborah) because I can't dump out all my emotional baggage on a woman. I remember telling my woman psychologist before my last woman psychologist that I just didn't want to ruin her day! But I can sure dump on a man.

And thank you, Lala, for your comment --- I plan to stop rocking soon! Just as soon as I finish reading all these damn self-help books. Actually, that comment was the kick in the butt I needed to get out of the pity-party.

I got a funky new haircut and color last night and I love it. Hopefully I'll be able to recreate what my friend Carol did on my own. She used some new spray stuff with a flat iron and when she turned me back to the mirror I thought I was going to start receiving transmissions from Mars! But after taming it with some wax it is the BOMB! (should I use the word bomb?) I was going upstairs and I said to my husband (who is firmly planted on the sofa in front of his HDTV w/ his sound system blaring) "isn't my hair the best?" He said "your SMILE is the best!" Maybe I should wear one of those more often, huh?

Kris e-mailed today and he is safely back at the FOB; no word from Austin in a while. But NNIGN, right?

One topic I discussed w/ my shrink today is my unwillingness to let go of my children. I'm fighting something I can't control (my words, not his) because I want them all back in their rooms in this big old house with me! I want to drive them to soccer, church, ROTC, band, cheerleading and on and on --- but they're grown and on their own. They are all financially independent and very responsible adults. My shrink had the nerve to ask me if my soon-to-be 30 year-old son really needed me treating him like he is 10. Can you believe that?

The nest is empty, the babes have flown; like it or not, we're all alone.

I Shouldn't Have Watched That . . .

2007-07-22T22:07:00.000-04:00

CNN aired the story of four fallen Marines who were all killed in the same vehicle in January 2005. After two years the family members have found that time DOES NOT HEAL and they remain in almost unbearable pain.

And there are almost 4,000 other families! That is one number I never want to be a part of. As for myself, my life would be over. As I've probably said before, there might be a functioning human body walking around that looks like me, but my heart would die along with my child.

The pile of self-help books beside my bed keeps getting higher and higher. Some I've finished, some I've almost finished, some I've half finished and some I just started. I think I need a self-help book on how to focus on reading one self-help book at a time.

I'm going through a workbook about Relaxation and Stress Relief. My neck is so tense that it's hard to find a comfortable position to even sleep. I'm going to a new psychologist and am hoping to make some progress. He recommended the workbook and yet another self-help book.

Then there are my journal entries. Some are raving mad, horribly sad and definitely all reveal my complete confusion in trying to cope with both of my sons being in a War.

There are online support groups, forums, advice. But I wish so badly that I had a close friend to talk to who would understand how this feels.

I joined a local book club to meet people who like to read (I hope they don't choose self-help books); I'm going to try a meditation/yoga studio this week.

I'm thinking about ordering a MacBook.

I've signed up to take an online creative writing course taught by a well known British author.

My boss was nice the past two weeks. I've been somewhat put on notice that the new computer system the company will be installing in the next six months will make my job obsolete. I'm trying to not focus on that too much. "It's a Job, Not Jail," is the title of a self-help book that I'm about 2/3rd finished reading.

Here is a photo of my "Devil Dog." She's a Schipperke and she loves me bunches but does not like men at all. She has come to tolerate my husband and he her, but she acts like she's big stuff around my boys until they walk towards her and she runs away like a chicken.

Her name is Meika and contrary to her appearance in this photo, she is a very loving, possessive, protective doggie. She has the cutest underbite and her lower right teeth stick out over her top lip.

Like our other dog, a Vizsla Weimaraner mix, she is constantly underfoot. Never get either breed if you like your privacy. They are GREAT company though. Eva, the V/W, is just a big, clumsy, smart, loveable dog and she is sweet to everyone, even men.

New Blog Design on the Way!

2007-07-22T13:03:00.000-04:00

Okay, the template I was using was too ugly to keep, even temporarily! So it's this one for a while and then the debut of a very customized blog design by Lindsay w/ Splatdesigns --- she is great!

It's a typical Sunday for us: my husband is working on our "This Old House" and I'm going to go shopping. What could be better? Gee, children not in a war? But like they say, "When the going gets tough, the tough go shopping!" I'm just doing my part!!!!

2007-07-21T17:48:00.000-04:00

Today I attended a soldier's funeral on behalf of the Florida Chapter of the Blue Star Mothers. I also road to the cemetery with the Patriot Guard and stood along side them holding a big American Flag. This was the first funeral of a serviceman that I've been emotionally able to attend.

Sgt. Monty Hobley was killed Sunday while riding his motorcycle. There is a tribute to him on the website of his riding club. From watching the slide show, it appears to me that Sgt. Hobley enjoyed life, and when his Uncle spoke at the funeral he assured everyone that he loved the Army. The funeral was very uplifting and unlike any I'd ever attended. He was buried with full military honors less than a mile from my house.

I've been trying to get my husband involved in the Patriot Guard. We have Kris's Harley while he's in Iraq. I'm not a fan of motorcycles for obvious reasons. But the Patriot Guard is an amazing group of people and performs an important role in honoring America's heroes. I called my husband during the 12 mile procession and asked him to go park somewhere on the route just to see the devotion of these men and women and the patriotism they bring to such a somber event.

When we turned the last corner into the graveyard I saw his car parked in the distance.

The Goodbye Girl

2007-07-19T21:53:00.000-04:00

"Back in the day," one of my favorite songs was "The Goodbye Girl." Now I've because "The Goodbye Girl," or maybe "The Goodbye Woman."

We just dropped Kris and Katie at the airport. He starts his journey back to the Sandbox and she goes back to Kansas. I wish I had started taking photos of our goodbyes at that airport years ago. It hasn't changed much but we sure have. Some things will never change: I still try to get that one last glance of him (now them) and still cry every time I drive away.

Kris's father has never lived in Florida so Kris flew many times as an "unaccompanied minor." He went to Paris with his father once, but I think his father flew here and they both left the US from Tampa. Kris spent a West Point summer in England; a WP spring break in Ireland; Katie spent some WP time in Greece. I don't even have a stamp on my passport. But I've been to Ft. Benning to watch Kris jump out of airplanes and for Austin's Basic Training Graduation; Ft. Bragg; Ft. Riley; MacDill AFB (the Officer's Club even); Aberdeen Proving Grounds; Ft. Knox.

One night Kris, Katie, my husband and I were out to dinner and Trace Adkins' song "And Then They Do" was playing. I mentioned how sad that song makes me feel; Kris' response was that it's a happy song -- the children are all growing up, leaving the nest and starting great lives of their own. Ah, perspective.

Michele (Rocky Mountain Retreat) Made me Do IT!

2007-07-14T17:32:00.000-04:00

Yet Another Goodbye soon

2007-07-14T17:07:00.000-04:00

Kris isn't even back to the house after flying home from a week in the Bahamas and I'm already dreading our next goodbye. This time he will only have five to six months left in the Sandbox; then on to grad school. What a relief that will be.

Austin was able to IM several times this week and I finally bought a webcam. They are so inexpensive, I don't know why I waited so long. I suppose I knew I wanted to see him and why would he want to see his ol' mom. When Kylee was IMing w/ him and he could see her, he said she didn't look like herself. Maybe he'll get accustomed to the way we look on webcam. He looks great to me!

There hasn't been much to blog about these days. I would HIGHLY RECOMMEND that you visit AcutePolitics.Blogspot.com for not only the description of a recent mission but also an amazing picture of a sunrise. This guy has a great career in journalism ahead of him. I wouldn't be surprised if he hasn't already signed a contract.

I just finished reading Stumbling on Happiness by Daniel Gilbert, a Harvard psychology professor. While the book doesn't provide the answer to finding happiness, it is a very informative and humorous look at humankind and the workings of our brains. Now I've started reading This Time I Dance written by another Harvard person, a law grad, who found her truth not in legal briefs and courtrooms, but in creative writing. Do you see a pattern here?

If anyone has any reading recommendations, send them on. I love to read but sometimes don't know what to read next.

Guess what I did today other than read? Nothing! I am a slug.

A Funeral I Wish I Had Been Brave Enough to Attend

2007-07-13T12:41:00.000-04:00

Pfc. Jonathan M. Rossi, US Army
Hometown: Safety Harbor, Florida, U.S.
Age: 20 years old
Died: July 1, 2007 in Operation Iraqi Freedom.
Unit: Army, 2nd Battalion, 12th Cavalry Regiment, 4th Brigade Combat Team, 1st Cavalry Division, Fort Bliss, Texas
Incident: Killed when insurgents attacked his unit using a makeshift bomb and small arms fire in Baghdad.

Thursday July 12, 2007

Yesterday I and other Blue Star mothers sadly attended the funeral of Pfc. Jonathan M. Rossi of Safety Harbor, Florida. He was one of our brave young men who gave his life in the line of duty to his country. My heart aches as I write this. God bless all our sons and daughters who serve.
I am a member of the Blue Star Mothers of America, Florida Sunshine 91 Chapter out of Jacksonville, Florida. As I live over 4 ½ hours travel time away from Jacksonville, I do not attend any meetings. My home was open to any Blue Star Mother or family member who wished to come on down to show support for the Rossi family. The Chapter members were to co-ordinate with the Patriotic Guard. For information reference the Patriotic Guard please access their web site: http://www.patriotguard.org/ For information on the Blue Star Mothers of America, Inc. Florida Sunshine 91 Chapter out of Jacksonville, Florida please go to: flbluestarmoms.org

Andria Mocek traveled from Jacksonville, Florida on the 10th July 2007. It was an honour to have met Andria. She has two sons serving, one is a Marine and the other son is “doc” a Navy corpsman attached to the Marines. Andria was to present the gold star banner to Jonathan’s dad. His father is a retired SSGT who served in USAF. He wore his uniform with pride.
Andria and I talked all evening, until my husband Louis run us off to bed, reminding us that we would have to leave early to get to Safety Harbor. Although miles distance it is not that far, the road to get there is the hub to get into Tampa to work in the morning. We left Hernando Beach at 7.30 a.m. and arrived at 8.50.a.m. Andria had already contacted the Army Major we were to meet. We took separate vehicles as she was to leave from Bushnell National Cemetery after the service.

The Patriotic Guard were to be there at 8 a.m. When we arrived there were over 100 Guards being briefed on their duties. They made Andria and I very welcome. When they found out that we both had two sons serving, they came over and gave us lots of hugs. The guards are made up of men and women who work very hard to honour our fallen heroes. I was so impressed with these wonderful people. One of the ladies told me that if a funeral falls on a weekend that there could be several hundred of them. She said many of them worked and were unable to get leave. Others had taken the day off to honour Jonathan and his family. Many of them had served their country, and their leather jackets would tell which branch they had served in and unit. Or if the were a Vietnam or Gulf Vet, etc.

We met several blue star moms there, I am sorry to say I did not get all their names, Robin and Clay Cunningham and Judy Crews attended. One mother’s son told her to attend. He had been Jonathan’s platoon leader. She was surprised when a young soldier read out his tribute to Jonathan. There were, of course, a lot of tears.

Please access this web site for a reporters account: http://www.tbo.com/news/metro/MGBHC1OK04F.html

The Guard lined the walk way to the church with the American Flags held high. The church was packed. As well as the local Priests there was the base Priest from McDill AFB helping with Mass. As the funeral possession wound its way 72 miles from Safety Harbor to Bushnell, through four counties I cried. We drove through Pinellas, Pasco and Hernando into Sumter County to Bushnell. What an outstanding job the Sheriff Departments, State Patrol and Fire Departments did. As we drove through Pinellas every Fire Department came out and lined the route. The men stood at attention and saluted farewell to one of our brave soldiers.
The Guards drove off in front, and some behind, if there was not a police car at the lights, the guard was there, holding back the traffic as we went through all these lights. There are a lot of lights in 72 miles. There were many people driving in the funeral possession. We had a few incidents where motorists would cut in, the guards immediately got them out so we could travel unheeded to Bushnell National Cemetery.

At the cemetery the Guard once again lined the walkway with their flags. Folding of the flag, presentation of the flag by a two star General to Jonathan’s dad. Then we walked to Jonathans resting place. We met more blue star moms who had driven from all over Florida, to show that they cared, and they cried along with us as we mourned for one of our sons.
Andria presented SSgt Rossi with the Gold Banner. Very hard job to do. No parent ever wants to receive this banner. For information reference Gold Star Banner please access: http://www.bluestarmothers.org/goldstar.php

Why have I written this? This had been very, very difficult to write, and I do not profess to be a writer. Since I returned I have had many emails from people who wanted to attend, but due to other commitments or because of distance were not able. After my seventh email writing over and over again the same thing and bawling me eyes out, I decided to just put it all down.
God bless the Rossi Family. God bless all who serve. God bless my blue star brothers and sisters.

Jan Zabel. Blue Star Mom.
Mother of Kendal. United States Army
Mother of Aaron. United States Navy

2007-07-07T14:49:00.000-04:00

WOW -- WHAT A WEEK!!!

Here's another screenshot of that sweet child of mine (Austin) from Tuesday.

On the 4th of July my older son (Kris) arrived in Tampa at 10 a.m. Since he wasn't expected until three in the afternoon, when he called his wife (Katie) she ran downstairs, "I've got to get a shower, Kris is landing at 10 am!!!!!!", she got fixed up and drove away with a HUGE smile on her face.

I wanted to go to the airport too but being the gracious mother-in-law that I intend to be, I didn't even ask. I just wanted to see them when they first saw each other after such a long time. But that moment was not mine to have.

Later that day we went to my brother's house for a "get together." Kris and Katie arrived a couple of hours later. I set up my sister-in-law's MacBook, got on Yahoo IM with Austin and had webcams going both ways. Everyone took turns "talking" to him. I got NO time other than to look over shoulders. But it did my heart good to see everyone so excited (especially Kris and Austin).

Yesterday afternoon K&K, Kylee, Steve (DH) and two friends went to Game Works in Ybor City, then saw the Transformers movie, and finally had dinner. I didn't go along for a lot of reasons but mostly to give everyone time w/ K&K w/o me --- the mother who is scared they'll be hurt just playing a video game. My new name is "worry wart."

K&K flew to the Bahamas this morning; they'll be back next Saturday and we'll have 3 or 4 more days with them. Kris will go back to Iraq and Katie will return to Kansas to begin work on her Masters' Degree. I'm not in the "dreading the upcoming goodbye" mode YET but I know it's coming.

Austin called about an hour ago. Since I hadn't heard his voice in so long and with a lot of static on the line I didn't realize it was him at first. He sounded good until it was time to hang up; I think he was going to become emotional so we said our "I love yous" and goodbyes quickly. His knee is bothering him again (long time readers will know that he had knee surgery in Feb.) I asked him why he wasn't going to the doctor. He said "because there really is no point in going," to which I said, "they might send you home!" His response was, "But I don't want to go home."

The commitment he has made to the Army and to our Country absolutely amazes me. Even though I really want him home NOW, I told him how proud of him I am and that hearing him say those words gave me the extra strength that I need to get through this. Knowing that both of my sons WANT to be serve our Country no matter what is asked of them does give me comfort.

On Army.mil I saw the story of 600 service personnel who reenlisted IN IRAQ on the 4th! These incredibly brave people just take my breath away with pride! Maybe the Army will raise the maximum age to 51 soon and I can do my part -- just don't make me cook!

I've had a sense of peace since Tuesday. Hopefully that feeling will last for the full two weeks of Kris' leave. Austin voluntarily assured me that he'd call before his unit moves out again. So until then they are both reasonably safe. It feels good to breathe deeply and let the tension go. I think I can actually relax, laugh and enjoy myself for a while.

When Austin called this afternoon I had been cleaning the house and was hot and sweaty. I mentioned that to him and he said "YOU DO NOT KNOW HOT!" Reality check -- I will never complain about the weather again and especially not to him.

Austin on WebCam TODAY!!!!!

2007-07-03T17:56:00.000-04:00

Yeah! Austin is back at the FOB for a week or so of rest. He now has wireless internet (he's in his bunk using his laptop in this photo), and an Iraqi cell phone. Isn't he so very cute? This is a screen shot from our IM/webcam session today.

We "talked" for at least an hour. I've got a bunch more screen shots that I'll post --- it took me about 45 minutes to figure out how to convert this screen shot into a photo (take a screen shot of the document containing the screen shot, paste that in Paint, save as a .jpg, edit w/ MS Picture Editor).

Katie is here! We both had pedicures this afternoon. She's napping and now that I've posted my news about Austin, I'm going to nap too. Kris arrives TOMORROW at 3 in the afternoon!!!! Elvis has left Iraq!

2007-07-02T19:09:00.000-04:00

Hopefully our #1 son is on his way out of Iraq! We haven't heard anything yet. I read what Teflon Don (Acute Politics) experienced in his journey home and it could be 3-4 days of waiting and traveling. Katie will be here tomorrow and that'll make the wait easier. I can only imagine how thrilled she is to be seeing her husband again after almost 10 MONTHS!

Still no word from Austin.

I've been weepy almost all day. There's relief that I'll see my oldest son in a matter of days and there's fear of what my youngest son is enduring. Today I received a link to 100s of photos of Austin's company --- didn't see him at all. None of the soldiers looked sad or miserable in the photos. I'm sad and miserable.

Blog Design/Weekend!

2007-07-01T17:52:00.000-04:00

My blog design is so icky that I've been avoiding my blog altogether. Hopefully the redesign will be ready next week. This is a temporary "fix".

This weekend I had two opportunities to spend time w/ other military parents.

Friday evening I had dinner with Joy Campbell, the Florida Director for Sew Much Comfort, Deb (an SMC volunteer) and two couples with the Tampa Area Marine Parents Association (T.A.M.P.A.) I'm helping Joy with a database for tracking volunteers, supplies and distribution. SMC is testing a nation-wide database and will import our data next week. Joy "is a Joy" and really does great things to facilitate SMC's service to wounded soldiers.

The Marine group has invited me to join their support group. Joy and I went to their monthly meeting on Saturday and enjoyed hearing all the fun stories from get togethers over the past few years. We met at a pizza parlor named Semper Pi -- promise! It is also a "museum" for all things "Marines"; the owner is known as "Sgt Major." They had a few items for the other service branches so I wasn't completely out of place. And we are ALL in this together!

Still no word from Austin -- we know he is in the middle of Operation Arrowhead Ripper and that his battalion lost another soldier last week. I send a letter almost everyday and just sent off a large package. If he is not at the FOB, he might not be able to keep the things we sent him. There have been many reports of theft of personal items while these guys are out on missions and I'm wondering if Austin still owns a laptop.

Good news, though. Katie will be here Tuesday, July 3, to meet Kris when he arrives in Florida for his 14 days of R&R. He leaves Iraq Monday (that's TOMORROW!!!!!) and his 14 days start counting off when he gets here. They will be spending a week in the Bahamas and staying with us both before and after that trip. The guys are planning a motorcycle ride, which is becoming a tradition whenever Kris is in town.

So one day this week I will be seeing one of my sons!!!!!!!!!! July 5th is Kylee's birthday and she's excited about the possibility of one of her brothers being here. Kylee and her fiance have passes to Disney and w/ Kris and Katie's military discounts I can see a trip over that way too. We really enjoy having dinner at the Whispering Canyon Cafe in the Wilderness Lodge. Cafe is an understatement because they serve huge amounts of really great food --- all you can eat!

2007-06-26T20:24:00.001-04:00

Austin's girlfriend Kayli has started a blog and it is GREAT! Please go have a look!

I put this back on top because Kayli's blog is absolutely wonderful. I've never met Kayli but she has given me enormous strength in dealing with Austin's deployment. We talk on the phone, e-mail or IM. What would I do without her?

Isn't she gorgeous?

Kayli---you are the BEST!

Another Rant

2007-06-26T19:51:00.001-04:00

There is no more wine in the house. I think I'd drink wine vinegar at this point. Anything to escape from my real life.

Where are my boys? Why aren't I running them around all over town, to soccer, band practice, Odyssey of the Mind, drama rehearsals, ROTC drill practice; why am I not making six costumes for a 5-minute play; or helping someone with homework?

I feel a HUGE crying spell coming on tonight. It could be "hormonal" --- menopause where art thou?

Adding to my discontent -- I work for the Boss from Hell in an office of very few people, making the Boss from Hell even more a part of my working life b/c there is a low dilution factor? Why do I sit in a corner in an industrial building 20 miles from my home, day after day after day with no positive feedback and few challenges? THE MONEY! That's why. It's really good money! So does that make me a work-whore?

I'm reading a book called "The Recipe for a Perfect Marriage," and it is an eye-opener. The central character looks back at her grandparents' "perfect marriage" as her model for her own (clock-ticking, settling); then the story is told from her grandmother's point of view (arranged, forced) --- perception is everything.

I say that because I wonder if there are people out there who truly enjoy their jobs (I know I was talking about marriage, but that was just a segue into "perception"). Wouldn't it be wonderful to earn one's living doing something that also brought one "bliss"?

That's one of my favorite words, "bliss". If you say it to yourself a few times you'll feel the way it effortlessly rolls and then hisses off your tongue. Bliss. Because you have to bring your lips together for the "B," it's almost like a kiss, but with ambiguous emotion because of the ending "hiss."

I need more wine.

2007-06-26T07:51:00.000-04:00

Austin's girlfriend Kayli has started a blog and it is GREAT! Please go have a look!

Blog Design, Yellow Flies, New Friend, Back to School

2007-06-24T10:58:00.001-04:00

I do not like my generic blog design. I'm going to hire a blog designer and hopefully the new look will be a more accurate reflection of my "style." I'm also considering changing the name to "Army Mom in High Anxiety." A better title would include Mother of the Bride b/c that new role brings on another level of high anxiety, albeit a more pleasant one. Any suggestions?

Yellow flies suck! Well, actually they don't suck, they bite! I'm trying to enjoy the great outdoors in my beautiful backyard while being circled for attack by yellow (deer) flies. Even though I think I'm completely covered in insect repellent, they will find a vulnerable piece of flesh on which to inflict pain and my bliss will be ruined. Last year I put up fly traps (btw, they smell like a sewer) and caught about 10,000 flies but not one yellow one. Any suggestions?

Yesterday I had lunch with a new friend -- Karen. Her son was in Iraq for 15 months with the 172nd Stryker Brigade out of Ft. Wainwright in Alaska. You might remember this Brigade as the one that had already begun sending soldiers home when its tour was extended, forcing 300 soldiers to RETURN to Iraq after being home for only a short time. Can you imagine?

We live about an hour and a half away from each other in Florida. It was GREAT to talk with another mother who knows exactly how I'm feeling right now. She also shares my concerns about the apathy of most Americans towards the war these days. "War, what war? Oh, that." is what I think non-military-related people are thinking -- IF they even think about it at all.

Another shared topic of concern is our own extended families either complaining about their 'little' problems or NOT caring enough about our BIG problems --- our sons' lives being in danger! I loved the story of her sister wanting her along when she left her daughter at college. "How will I ever be able to leave her and drive off by my myself?" Excuse me?

As for my experience with my brothers and their families, you'd think Kris and Austin are just on vacation or something. None of them ever call to check on the boys, and certainly never to see how I'm coping.

Another issue for me is that I work in an office of predominantly Jehovah's Witnesses (it WAS a family-owned business) and they don't even believe in the flag, government, voting, and "we choose to stay neutral" on issues of national security. Don't get me wrong, they are very kind people and offer hugs when I'm sad; "we just can't talk about it."

Back to School - with the newest craziness going on over in Iraq, my initial fear level has returned, leaving me in need of a HUGE DISTRACTION. Light bulb -- Get a college degree!!! I spent a year at FSU 30-some years ago, got my MRS, he got is PhD, we got a DIVORCE. I tried to community college several times but it just didn't work.

Karen told me that Eckerd College in St. Pete has an accelerated Program for Experienced Learners with a lot of distance-learning courses. I looked online at the photos of the 2007 graduates -- it was like looking in a mirror! So I'm applying tomorrow hoping to start in August. Creative Writing degree, here I come!

2007-06-23T18:33:00.000-04:00

Ironically, when I checked "the funniest blog. . ." there was a very tragic story of a blogger "NYC Watchdog" who lost his son DJ (Puppy Monster) Thursday in a drowning accident. Another blogger has set up a PayPal account to accept donations in the form of purchases of graphics like this one. The money will be given to the father to help him with funeral expenses.

I checked around and this seems very legitimate, and very sad. I 'bought" ten of the graphics. Both of these blogs are not what I'd call mainstream, but a parent losing a child is globally horrific. So if you feel compeled, go do your part to at least relieve some of the financial burden of this heavily emotionally burdened man.