Panic Attack!

This morning when I signed on to Yahoo messenger at work to be available if Austin was able to IM, there it was: "Helicopter crash kills 14 soldiers." After I saw that, nothing else penetrated my brain --- I just shut down. Nothing mattered to me except trying to find out that none of those killed were MINE.

I knew that either Kris or Austin were going to be on a helicopter going to visit each other and I just knew whichever one was on board was gone. I started breathing heavily, sweating, couldn't focus, couldn't really even understand what people were saying to me even though I was trying to act like nothing unusual was going on. CNN.com, MSNBC.com, Strykernews.com. . . What I read was somewhat reassuring --- they actually published the name of the unit involved. I think that is horribly wrong for the families of those who were killed (or even in the same unit) but selfishly right because of the relief it brought to others, specifically ME.

Austin hadn't IM'd me in over a week yet a few minutes after I saw the news, there he was! I e-mailed Kris just saying "I need an e-mail!" He e-mailed back 10 minutes or so later and blessed relief set in. Both of my sons were safe.

Kris told me that I was annoying and that if I didn't get help soon I was going to have a heart attack. Austin told me his company had lost a soldier last week and when I asked for details he just said "don't worry about it." Unfortunately I will be long dead and gone before these sons of mine realize that parents don't have an "off switch"! If I did, believe me, I'd throw it!

All day I just kept thinking about the soldiers who did die in that helicopter crash and about the 14 families that would get that dreaded knock on the door today. Those soldiers were just like mine; those families just like mine.

I was trying to explain how I feel to a co-worker (mother and grandmother) and all I could come up with was either Russian Roulette where the trigger is pulled until a bullet discharges from the gun and kills SOMEONE's child; or that casino wheel where the ball goes round and round and eventually lands somewhere --- on SOME MOTHER'S number?

Eleven and 1/3rd more months. If one of them goes again, give me the gun!