I Shouldn't Have Watched That . . .

CNN aired the story of four fallen Marines who were all killed in the same vehicle in January 2005. After two years the family members have found that time DOES NOT HEAL and they remain in almost unbearable pain.

And there are almost 4,000 other families! That is one number I never want to be a part of. As for myself, my life would be over. As I've probably said before, there might be a functioning human body walking around that looks like me, but my heart would die along with my child.

The pile of self-help books beside my bed keeps getting higher and higher. Some I've finished, some I've almost finished, some I've half finished and some I just started. I think I need a self-help book on how to focus on reading one self-help book at a time.

I'm going through a workbook about Relaxation and Stress Relief. My neck is so tense that it's hard to find a comfortable position to even sleep. I'm going to a new psychologist and am hoping to make some progress. He recommended the workbook and yet another self-help book.

Then there are my journal entries. Some are raving mad, horribly sad and definitely all reveal my complete confusion in trying to cope with both of my sons being in a War.

There are online support groups, forums, advice. But I wish so badly that I had a close friend to talk to who would understand how this feels.

I joined a local book club to meet people who like to read (I hope they don't choose self-help books); I'm going to try a meditation/yoga studio this week.

I'm thinking about ordering a MacBook.

I've signed up to take an online creative writing course taught by a well known British author.

My boss was nice the past two weeks. I've been somewhat put on notice that the new computer system the company will be installing in the next six months will make my job obsolete. I'm trying to not focus on that too much. "It's a Job, Not Jail," is the title of a self-help book that I'm about 2/3rd finished reading.

Here is a photo of my "Devil Dog." She's a Schipperke and she loves me bunches but does not like men at all. She has come to tolerate my husband and he her, but she acts like she's big stuff around my boys until they walk towards her and she runs away like a chicken.

Her name is Meika and contrary to her appearance in this photo, she is a very loving, possessive, protective doggie. She has the cutest underbite and her lower right teeth stick out over her top lip.

Like our other dog, a Vizsla Weimaraner mix, she is constantly underfoot. Never get either breed if you like your privacy. They are GREAT company though. Eva, the V/W, is just a big, clumsy, smart, loveable dog and she is sweet to everyone, even men.