The Diet of Double Deployment

( I love this photo so I'm posting it again.)

My nightly glass (or two) of Chardonnay is sending me to twinkle land early this evening. It could be the lack of food. I've lost over 20 lbs. since my boys went in the Sandbox to play. Not that it is bad thing because I needed to lose 20 lbs. But sometimes real food like meat, veggies, sauces, just are inedible to me so it's nothing or a bowl of cereal for dinner. I do love multi-grain Tostidos or is it Doritos. Whatever it is, we're OUT. That's my after work, after yoga, after whatever snack and sometimes my dinner. Multi-grain tortilla chips and Chardonnay. The diet of double deployment.

I had a HORRIBLE dream about Austin last night. He had, of course, been killed and I could not accept that knowledge and looked all over the world for him. It was an awful feeling, even after I woke up and realized it was just a dream; a nightmare if there ever was one.

Then at work today around 10 a.m. I see "Austin is now online." WOWOWOWOWOWOWOW! I was so excited to KNOW that he was OK. We only had about 15 minutes. He said the computers "there" are on timers. He was also IM'ing w/ Kayli and Kylee. He must be one fast typer.

We actually 'talked' about real war/political issues today. We are both convinced that basic human nature is to blame. Just think about it --- if there were no "bad guys" there would be no war. But what constitutes a "bad guy"? Someone who disagrees with US (no pun intended). We both agree that taking out Saddam was necessary; however, trying to civilize an uncivilized population who think they are going to be rewarded for dying in the act of killing other people? (Cue "Mission Impossible" theme.)

So, what's it all about? Greed, power, subjagation of women. Greed certainly on the part of the US contractors who were supposed to provide services to the US and Iraqi militaries. Power certainly on the part of ANYONE given it. Subjagation of women --- is that their biggest fear? That their women will unveil themselves and demand that they be treated like human beings?

Tonight at yoga when we were finishing up and winding down, my mind kept wandering to BAD places. No matter how hard I tried to focus on my "breath," I had horrible imaginings in my head. I tried to shake them off but back I'd go. It's as though a moment still is a moment of terror. Now even when I sleep.

Ten+ more months to go. At 22 months (15+15 w/ a 9 month overlap) to go I could not imagine living with this feeling of dread and doom for even a few weeks. It's been almost a year now and I'm still alive. Still have a husband, a job, a house, two dogs, three cats, one truck, one suv, a few friends, my health is questionable, but appears OK. My face has probably aged more in the past 11 months (since Kris left) than in the last 11 years. A friend at work and I have made a pact to get mini-facelifts in early 2008. We shook on it -- so I've got to do it.